I ebb and flow. I am high then low. I am happy then sad. There seems to be no middle ground some days.
I took this photo in the room in my basement where I want to shoot more photos. I bought an app and a cable so I can take photos with my DSLR with the shutter remote being a sound. (See Photojojo.) And I lit the scene with spot lights and that’s it -no other lights were on.
Enough of the details…..It reflects my world these days. The extremes. The light and the dark. There doesn’t feel like there are any greys these days.
And I have too many “helpers”…..people who are trying to help me through shit. What they are really doing – projecting their shit onto me. Their issues are mine – and when they see me, they hear themselves. I feel there are no longer people in my life who can handle my story. How horrible is that?
I spent most of my time these days checking with G – making sure I am not off the rails like some would have me believe. Nope, he says each time – not crazy yet. Good. Because I sometimes feel like I am the crazy one, but lack the evidence.
This is why coming out of my cave is hard. This is why I worry about judgement – about projection – about getting things put on me that are not mine. I have hit the point when I realize I cannot stay in the cave. I cannot worry about the people trying to “help” and not helping. I cannot do it.
I can only be me.
I can only be where I can be.
And hope that the chips fall as they should fall.
Even if it fucking hurts.
But I will not let it change me for the worse. I will not put up walls. I will not hide in the dark. Even if I feel like that is where I should be.