2 Months Ago

I got an “i love you” in text, followed by a breakup note.

I still fucking hurt.

Last night, I spoke with a friend. A friend who has in non-face-to-face conversations said all of the things one would expect.  And I sat in this pub, fighting tears as I spoke about things.  While I feel like an idiot sometimes for having these tears, the reality is that I gave myself to him.  I showed more of myself than I had in a while.

And what happened?

I was embraced.

I was praised.

I was dumped.

What fucking sucks is that even thought he is gone – even though all of this happened, I know what is coming up – now what would have been a one year anniversary with us – but his 1 year anniversary of loss.  And I  fucking remember that. I fucking remember that, and worry he won’t get the support he needs. I worry that others will direct it elsewhere as he is left alone – again – to just be on the sidelines.  A brother without the benefits and acknowledgement.

Despite it all – I still fucking care. With tears streaking down my face, I still care.

Oh, I wish I didn’t sometimes.  To shut it off would be to protect myself from further pain.

But here is the rub – I laid myself bare before him. I did things I had never considered with him because, well, I loved him, I trusted him, and I believed he would take care of me.

To not be able to trust thyself is painful..

And that is what I have learned.Trust no one.

Don’t think I’m depressed. I laugh too.  I have periods of time when I don’t have tears streaking down my face.  But when those feelings tackle me.  When I feel like I have no where to go – for kink – for love – for compassion – it just tackles me what i have lost. And here I fucking stand.

I know this too shall pass.

But the timeline is not what I’m counting on.


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