I got an “i love you” in text, followed by a breakup note.
I still fucking hurt.
Last night, I spoke with a friend. A friend who has in non-face-to-face conversations said all of the things one would expect. And I sat in this pub, fighting tears as I spoke about things. While I feel like an idiot sometimes for having these tears, the reality is that I gave myself to him. I showed more of myself than I had in a while.
And what happened?
I was embraced.
I was praised.
I was dumped.
What fucking sucks is that even thought he is gone – even though all of this happened, I know what is coming up – now what would have been a one year anniversary with us – but his 1 year anniversary of loss. And I fucking remember that. I fucking remember that, and worry he won’t get the support he needs. I worry that others will direct it elsewhere as he is left alone – again – to just be on the sidelines. A brother without the benefits and acknowledgement.
Despite it all – I still fucking care. With tears streaking down my face, I still care.
Oh, I wish I didn’t sometimes. To shut it off would be to protect myself from further pain.
But here is the rub – I laid myself bare before him. I did things I had never considered with him because, well, I loved him, I trusted him, and I believed he would take care of me.
To not be able to trust thyself is painful..
And that is what I have learned.Trust no one.
Don’t think I’m depressed. I laugh too. I have periods of time when I don’t have tears streaking down my face. But when those feelings tackle me. When I feel like I have no where to go – for kink – for love – for compassion – it just tackles me what i have lost. And here I fucking stand.
I know this too shall pass.
But the timeline is not what I’m counting on.