I want to sleep.
I want to sleep through the night and not awaken in the middle of the night to my brain poking my heart – making it feel the ache it has been feeling – just so it can collaborate in thinking about everything. Then, as I try to put them back to sleep, I am forced to admit defeat as the clock reads 5am and I wonder what the point is now.
Someone asked me how I was feeling, and I said I feel like I was emotionally and mentally hit by a car. I have ups and downs. I have moments where things are good – then I feel horrible. I go from being happy that I’m here to wondering why me. As I told someone, if I had jumped out of a plane and hit the ground, I would have felt like it was a bad thing that happened. But walking down the street being happy and all only to be hit by a car makes me wonder why me? Makes me thankful, but wondering why.
While I know this mentally, I have a hard time knowing this emotionally. I am not able to see the end of the tunnel where it’s healed. Why? Because the situation pokes every insecurity I have. It makes me ask questions of me that I don’t want to explore – like how can you care so deeply about someone and walk away?
I know that my response is simply that – my response. But, as I told someone, this is mine to mourn. And this is mine to fight….because like this says:
And while I know this – I believe this – to actually have to take action based on it when you are in the middle of the story or when the story that was so great is wrapped up in an unexpected way – well, it’s hard not to be your story. It’s hard not to take all of those feelings and emotions and memories including the end and not make it who you are.
I have often said in reply to someone calling me a bitch that I’m only that way because the person has made me take that route. But that’s the thing – that is NOT my default setting. And in the past, while I would have put up brick walls and closed myself off from people as a natural response – a response that would have kept me safe – I am trying so fucking hard not to be that person. I am trying to have faith that there are people out there that get me, and celebrate the fact I am in their life – and give me as much as I give them – and want me to be happy as much as I want them to be happy.
And I need to have this faith even when my faith is shaken by a story.
Or at least, that is what I try to do….even if it doesn’t feel like it or seem like it. The battle within me continues to rage…..I just hope I win despite how I emotionally feel.