As I wrapped up on vacation, my eyes are forward to another one. The vacation I was supposed to take with SB. The one I booked at the place we had such a fabulous time together. The place we both spoke about going back to because we loved it so much.
This is my favorite place. I remember telling him that when I bought it for our first visit. A year ago, when I finally had vacation, this is where I went for two days – a vacation alone – but a vacation I loved. I sat on the deck and enjoyed the ocean. I walked on the beach and meditated letting the energy of the place wash over me. This has always been my escape place.
And I shared it with someone I love.
And I get to go back – alone – with the memory of what this trip was supposed to be. SB and I enjoying my place together again. Instead, I’ll be going alone with the ghost of ended relationships following me.
A few friends have suggested I just write it off as a loss of money – go someplace else where I won’t be sad. The problem is – I planned this to be a weekend of him and me. I had already taken the time off. So, being off – being not there but somewhere else – it will all still remind me the change – the loss.
And I feel like I need to reclaim my places for me again. Because it was my place. It was my place to share. I don’t want what has happened to chance me away from my favorite places. Right now, I feel that is what has happened – I’m chased away from my favorite events – my favorite people – all because I can’t face it alone right now. I guess I’m hoping that this will be my turning point – my point where I feel I can start reclaiming my places again – my spaces. Because even though there are times when I feel the pain as though no time has passed, I cannot hide from it either.
So all I can do is take a deep breath and do it.