Three words that describe where I am.
Emotionally wrung out.
While mom is finally out of the ICU, she is far from well. The infection is still there. Her body is still fighting it. And her doctor has her on not one or two antibiotics but five. FIVE different antibiotics. Between that and the morphine and the drugs used to counteract her side effects, she is not herself. She is mean, she is upset, she is frustrated, she is depressed, she is hallucinating, she is not sleeping, she is not eating. She is not good.
I had to go home – there was quite the agenda on deck for the kids – and an extra adult was vital. So Maggie and I made our way home. And coming into the house, all I wanted to do was get into bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep. Or try to sleep. I was and still am just done. Emotionally done. Mentally done.
Too much – just way too much has happened and is happening. I feel like when it rains it pours. And I’m done.
My little brother told me that he was worried about me. I’m not happy. He can see that. And he hates it. And while we talked 0r I tried to talk, I realized there was not a lot to say. I’m wrung out. I’m not replenishing. I don’t know how to do it anymore.
It’s funny because I’m trying hard not to say, “If I have this, I’ll be happy” or “If I do that, I’ll be happy.” I’m smarter than that. I’m know I cannot bribe it. I know I have to embrace the moments. But when shit starts raining down on you, how do you embrace it? I try to find the moments, I try to embrace the moments – but thinking about my mom ruins it. Worrying about my dad ruins it.
And the fact I’m wrung out, tumbles down on me again.
I don’t know how to recharge. I take that back, I think I know but I can’t focus on it. I can’t settle my brain enough to do it. It’s like the energy is not there. I can’t seem to find the focus. All that tumbles into my head when I settle my head is all of the things going wrong – all of the things I am concerned about – all of the things I know I cannot change, but I need to stay focused on.
I know I need to break the cycle. I’m trying.
But until I can recharge and stop feeling so wrung out, I don’t know how I’m going to do it. The things that would have done it in the past are not options right now. I cannot mentally and emotionally process it – handle it – do it. And that is telling.
So, I go through the motions of the day. I do what is expected. I try to find solace in those things. And maybe, just maybe, one of those things will help. It’s a long shot but it’s something to do.
I need no crisis. I need no stress or drama.
Yeah, well, that won’t happen – so it is what it is.