I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it.
I have felt it.
I know you want to just let it all go, but nothing that had so much good can be let go that easily.
Nothing so laced with love and passion and intimacy is easy to just let go of.
Especially the connection we had – the intimacy we had, not only in the bedroom but with our friendship and love.
You equated what was happening as a knife buried inside me.
I feel it is more like a limb being removed. I feel pain, I feel phantom pain from you being gone from my life, I feel off balance.
I don’t want to let go.
You let go of hate, not love.
You let go of bad, not good.
Nothing is perfect. Nothing is easy. Nothing is effortless. And I know how much this challenged you in so many ways. I know how much you have struggled being alone – alone because I’m gone, alone because the man you called brother is gone, alone because your word has turned upside down and there is no new normal.
Adding into the mix a woman who is poly when the entirety of your life to date has been the opposite just adds to your chaos. And while I added good, I know I add more challenge to you as you try to find the new normal. I acknowledge that.
But what I won’t do is act like this was all bad.
I will not overlook the feelings we shared with each other, even in the moment.
I will not forget or let go of the energy connection we had when curled up together.
I will not let go of your words – not simple expressions of love, but things like “you make me better when I’m with you” or “being with you is as natural as breathing.”
I will not let go.
Because, I am already destroyed. I am all ready so off-kilter I don’t know if or what normal will look like again. While letting go and moving on means allowing for something new, I know you will be the standard by which I measure anyone else. And I don’t see anyone measuring up.
And knowing you are as destroyed as I am….feeling it as I am….
….just don’t know.
All I know is I miss you like mad. Not talking to you is driving me mad.
Not having me in my life is not as bright as it was now that you are gone.
I miss that sun.
And I miss being there for you – I don’t want you to hurt.
But which pain is worse?
I can’t help but wonder.