Alone is when memories tumble into my mind. It is when I feel the most hurt – as I think about things and realize I need to change how I’m thinking about things. Instead of thinking about the plans I had made this weekend – plans to help celebrate his birthday – I need to now think of what I will do instead. The thoughts that creep in without thinking about the change that has happened are the ones that take my breath away – where I have to remind myself consciously to keep breathing.
Derek was out tonight – the girls and G were at taekwondo – so the idea of sitting home alone with myself and my thoughts was far from attractive. So I put on my macro-lens on my camera, put on my running shoes, and went for a walk. I was hoping that autopilot wouldn’t kick in as I looked for photo subjects.
It almost worked.
It was quiet in the neighborhood, and hearing my feet on the pavement, seemed to subconsciously cause my body to take the running path I used to run daily for almost a year. A three mile loop that takes me along the bluff overlooking the river and city. My feet seemed to know where they wanted to go. All I could hear was my steps and the birds – and the occasional click of the camera shutter.
I found some decent shots despite my brain mulling everything over. It felt good to just wander aimlessly with at least the intent of purpose -but really only having the purpose of trying to get out of my head.
I know time will heal all wounds. I guess I am just realizing it is too soon to even look that far ahead. All I can do is try to figure out what now. All I can do it remind myself to breath until I don’t have to remind myself. All I have to do is, as Derek reminded me yesterday as I was talking with tears rolling down my face, I need to figure out how to rise from the ashes like a phoenix – because it will happen. Just will take time – so take this time to do something. Another friend commented I should shoot photos.
So I will walk.
I will shoot.
I will breath.
And I will let myself feel how I need to feel.
‘Tis all I can do.