The nice thing about being out as poly to my little brother is that when he asks how my week is going, I don’t have to sanitize it. I don’t have to pretend all is great when something in that piece of my life is not. I can lay it on the table without judgement.
Since he has returned from his stint at rehab and realizing he needed to end his marriage, he has become very good at cutting through the bullshit of life and hitting right to the root of the issue. And instead of feeling it and then trying to rebury it, he lays it on the table and says “this sucks, and I’m scared, and here is why.” As he said last night, his days of overthinking things into oblivion – making good go bad with his thoughts or bad go good – are not gone – but happening less and less as he sees himself doing it – and can internally smack himself across the head.
“I am the master of overthinking myself out of happiness” was his comment. He went on to explain his current relationship – and how even though when they first met six months ago he liked her, he felt good energy from her, they seemed to click – he used all of these other things in her life as reasons to talk himself out of what he was feeling.
“The universe gave me this great woman in my life – and I convinced myself it would never work because she’s older than me, she has more than one kid with more than one dad involved, she was in school full time, and she came from a life I did not understand. And yet, even as friends, she was the one that was there when I needed someone to hang out with – she was the one telling me what a great person I was in her life – she was the one I wanted to spend more time with. What was I doing talking myself out of pursuing that?? Sure it isn’t easy but nothing worth having is.”
We both chuckled at the fact we were having opposite weeks. He is in the throes of “I like what I have so let’s see where it takes us” – while I am in the throes of trying not to drown in what I’m feeling.
‘Sis, I have your back. I know you hurt right now, but let yourself hurt – don’t talk yourself out of it. But also, don’t talk yourself out of being happy when it presents itself again. Promise me you won’t.”
It’s funny how someone can say the right things when you need to hear them. My brother, Derek, several friends through my blog, a few friends nearby – they are all trying to make sure that I don’t block myself off from happy or the possibility of it.
As I said to my brother (and others), I am trying not to do that. But like I beaten animal, I feel I have to retreat and lick my wounds for a while. I go from feeling all of my feelings at once to being so numb that I have a hard time finding reason to smile.
My kids walk around me not sure what to do. Indigo gives me hugs and cuddles – she has been since Saturday. Hell, she held me while I cried initially as I explained in very simple terms to my almost 11 year old why I was upset. DJ looked like she was going to kill whoever did that to her Moe. She didn’t say it, but the looks of concern and anger on her face were such that I could tell she was not amused.
And G – G feels like he should fix it. That if he made me laugh more, I would not spend so much time reminding myself to breath. I appreciate his patience. I appreciate his attempts to distract.
So for their sake, I try to be normal for them. At work, I try to bury myself. At home, I try to keep moving hoping it will distract my brain. But at night, sigh…..all bets are off.
“Don’t over think how you feel” my brother reminded me over and over again. “And I know you will try because we are alike”.
An hour after I spoke to him, he sent me a text:
“Just know I have your back no matter what – and I love you. Life is what we make it – and you are my rock.”
Yeah, I cried.