They are home.
After weeks away – San Diego Comicon, Disneyland, summer camps, trips to grandparents’ houses, and sailing in the San Juans – they are finally home. Home from all of the adventures. Home from travels. Home.
And along with them came another person coming home – finally – Derek is now home. His trials and tribulations in Seattle – the good and the bad – the happy and the frustration – has led him back to where his people are, his community – back to Portland where he will be living with us. We are all excited to have him here. DJ sent me a photo in a text message of a joke they had pulled on her at Starbucks – and the message underneath was simple – “God I missed him.”
I replied “I have missed you.”
She replied back “I have missed you too.”
Walking into the house last night, I was attacked by Indigo. All hugs and happy to see me. I swear she has grown another foot. She seems taller than me now – not the same size. DJ came downstairs and gave me a huge hug. It was great seeing Derek there. And G gave me a huge hug – as I teased him that sun screen works best when applied to the skin – his sunburned face in a grin as he rolled his eyes.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It is so very true. While I have times where all I want is quiet and calm and order and predictability. There is something nice about having the house filled with laughters and talking and arguing and activity and chaos.
Years ago, while pregnant with DJ, someone asked me at work if I was having a boy or a girl. We didn’t know – DJ being too modest in utero to reveal she was a she. An older cohort – a wise Earth woman as I still refer to her – said “you will get what you need.”
And that’s what I remember in these times. While I like control in situations, I like predictability – kids have taught me to let go a bit. Not entirely – as I still fight it at times – but the contrast when they are gone reminds me there is some joy in it all.
So, now, having them back – leads me to happiness but guilt. Poly guilt. Guilt that I have this chaos and love – and he does not have it. While I have distraction, he does not. I know everyone lives the life that is chosen (with the help of the universe too, I know) but I worry – too much I know – because I care (probably too much) – because I love him. I know it is what it is….but still…..
Life is funny. The twists and turns – the people it brings in and out of life – and in these times I recall there is some lesson in all of this, some reason for it. The mixed feelings and all –
But I think the critical feeling – the lack of regret about my life – the overwhelming feeling that I am truly blessed……truly blessed.