I wish sometimes I did have a barrier around me so that some words from infecting my brain. But even if I did, I suspect that those closest to me would still have the ability to tap the shoulder of that little naysaying pain-in-the-ass that lives in my head and feeds off of those words and their ideas. That creature that seems to jump at the opportunity to poke me and my own insecurities and make me feel worse about things.
Because I don’t need that creature. I have enough Moe guilt, job guilt, girlfriend guilt, my daughter guilt without that creature feeding off of words and giving me more.
At this point, I cannot get excited about anything.
I have a piece of art being included in SEAF this weekend. But all I see SEAF is, is a pain point. It no longer represents something I am joyous and excited about. It represents something that distracts me from where others want me to be – where others need me to be. I don’t get to do it the way I wanted to do the weekend – I get to fit it in between shit & still make others unhappy.
My soccer tickets – that was giddy about – that I have paid for – are something that get tossed aside – money out the window, my joy of seeing these talented women play a sport that I love is now just a pain point. I have skipped more games than I have seen.
The words fed to my creature in my brain over the last few days make me feel like a failure. Make me feel like I’m not worthy of anything I want because I am failing the people who care for me.
These are the thoughts that have kept me awake the last two nights as that creature spends the time in the dark poking my brain with its vile words as it grows larger, sits on my chest and kicks me in the heart.