Being poly is hard.
If anyone has ever thought it was easy, I’m sorry for sending the perception. I guess I am good at making it look easy sometimes. But it is hard having multiple people in your life you love and care for tremendously and wishing you can put everyone first while realizing there is only one number one – and it’s the kids.
And you have these amazing moments – amazing points in time where you are just in awe of what you have with these people – where you are in awe of what is happening – where you thank the universe for making them available for you to love and cherish. And after these moment are the retrospectives. The wishes that there were more hours in a day – wishing you could clone yourself to be everywhere at once – keeping everyone happy and whole.
Then, at least for me, you worry you aren’t giving or doing enough for anyone. And for me, that’s when poly is hard. Hard because I worry I’m short changing someone – someone I love very much which makes it even more of a worry.
One of my loves is poly too. My other love is monogamous. But regardless of their relationship propensity, they both deserve my time – my energy – because they both have my heart.
See that’s the thing – the misconception, if you will – having multiple loves doesn’t mean if you aren’t there, someone else can take care of them. That’s like saying “I only love you when I’m there”. I still love them. I still care about them. I still want them to be happy. While I am thankful one of my loves has another person that loves and cares for him like me, I don’t make assumptions. I don’t shrug off what he is dealing with thinking “oh she’ll handle it”. That isn’t healthy. I wouldn’t feel that way if we weren’t poly, why would I feel that way when we are?
So, I worry. I wish I could do more. I wish I could give everyone everything. I don’t like it when I find out one is struggling silently – wishing but feeling guilty about wanting more with me for the moment. I know it comes with the territory. I can’t always be what everyone needs. But I remind myself (and them) that I will always be there if they have that sudden need. I know how people sometimes have those unexpected days where shit happens and a kind word or voice or something is needed.
I guess, time management is always the major obstacle to overcome. Better time management than communication or something that could really destroy things much faster. But it doesn’t make me worry any less.
But then again – that’s what you do when you love people so much.
You always wish you could do more – give more – make them feel good all of the time.
Not a bad goal – just one that makes poly hard.
But you know what? I know that both feel the same way about me. It’s what makes this work. We want as much as we want to give. What a problem to have. To love and be loved.
And am I loved. So while it is hard, I would have it no other way.