I have been having disjointed dreams this week.  And while in the past, pieces of those dreams upon analysis in a dream dictionary would yield growth themes – struggles I was trying to overcome, patterns I was trying to break, etc.  My dreams lately have all had themes of contentment, satisfaction, sex (positive meanings), and happy themes.  Just all dreams in weird ways – in weird themes that even have me going “what the fuck is that all about?”  

I don’t often dream – but when I do, I think my subconscious tries to play catch-up leaving me tired and disjointed as I wake up. 

Then work has been, well, work.

I don’t feel like I can find the cadence right now.  I’m surrounded by people who seem content in the chaos, in the crises, even if it is all self-made and artificial.  At one point today, I had three email strings with most of the same people on it, discussing the same exact issue, but coming at it from different angles.  And I felt like the crazy one when I finally yelled STOP to them all.

Yeah, when I’m off, tact is out the fucking window.

Someone announced in a meeting that I was being mean for doing that.  While half of the room nodded in agreement that I could be mean, I pointed out that I get shit down – so buck-up.  They all nodded.

Then we went on to discuss everything – EVERY.FUCKING.THING that could be behind schedule because of this or that reason – is behind schedule.  Imagine that feeling – looking at the huge to-do list – in my case 43 countries – and realizing that they are all off their rails with major issues.  What a great feeling!

And on top of work, I have friends going through some poly crap, I mean, fun.  A breakup between one and his partner has caused old habits to re-emerge. Old habits that have his primary partner wanting to wallop him, but at the same time wanting to wallop the former partner.  Games abound.  And hearing this – trying to be a good friend – takes a lot out of me. Seems I cannot escape the venting sometimes.

I know there are other drivers for me feeling off.  No need to list them all.  Just funny how “feeling off” can sort of have a domino effect on things.  How forgetting about some “self care” can just feed that “off” cycle.

Guess I need to take care of me tonight.  It’s time to try to turn the “off feeling” off, if I can.  (And turn off my cell phone.)

Else, this will just continue.  I know how this works for me.

Oh, and let’s talk about the weird factor too while we are at it.

I have a person who has pushed me away, publicly bash me (while not naming me exactly) who has all of a sudden showing up by “adding” me back into her online life.  Seeing that today has resulted in a WTF feeling.  

Then there is the bus that was surrounded by police in front of my building.  Turns out a male passenger ejaculated into the hair of a female passenger in front of him.  WTF?!?  Apparently that took 6 police officers to deal with that one.  (That is how many I counted.)

Yeah, no wonder I’m in a weird headspace.