I felt off the minute I woke up this morning. While I slept like a log, the idea of just pulling the covers back up and over my head seemed like the right course of action. So I did until necessity dictated I actually get up and go to work.
I have been having disjointed dreams this week. And while in the past, pieces of those dreams upon analysis in a dream dictionary would yield growth themes – struggles I was trying to overcome, patterns I was trying to break, etc. My dreams lately have all had themes of contentment, satisfaction, sex (positive meanings), and happy themes. Just all dreams in weird ways – in weird themes that even have me going “what the fuck is that all about?”
I don’t often dream – but when I do, I think my subconscious tries to play catch-up leaving me tired and disjointed as I wake up.
Then work has been, well, work.
I don’t feel like I can find the cadence right now. I’m surrounded by people who seem content in the chaos, in the crises, even if it is all self-made and artificial. At one point today, I had three email strings with most of the same people on it, discussing the same exact issue, but coming at it from different angles. And I felt like the crazy one when I finally yelled STOP to them all.
Yeah, when I’m off, tact is out the fucking window.
Someone announced in a meeting that I was being mean for doing that. While half of the room nodded in agreement that I could be mean, I pointed out that I get shit down – so buck-up. They all nodded.
Then we went on to discuss everything – EVERY.FUCKING.THING that could be behind schedule because of this or that reason – is behind schedule. Imagine that feeling – looking at the huge to-do list – in my case 43 countries – and realizing that they are all off their rails with major issues. What a great feeling!
And on top of work, I have friends going through some poly crap, I mean, fun. A breakup between one and his partner has caused old habits to re-emerge. Old habits that have his primary partner wanting to wallop him, but at the same time wanting to wallop the former partner. Games abound. And hearing this – trying to be a good friend – takes a lot out of me. Seems I cannot escape the venting sometimes.
I know there are other drivers for me feeling off. No need to list them all. Just funny how “feeling off” can sort of have a domino effect on things. How forgetting about some “self care” can just feed that “off” cycle.
Guess I need to take care of me tonight. It’s time to try to turn the “off feeling” off, if I can. (And turn off my cell phone.)
Else, this will just continue. I know how this works for me.
Oh, and let’s talk about the weird factor too while we are at it.
I have a person who has pushed me away, publicly bash me (while not naming me exactly) who has all of a sudden showing up by “adding” me back into her online life. Seeing that today has resulted in a WTF feeling.
Then there is the bus that was surrounded by police in front of my building. Turns out a male passenger ejaculated into the hair of a female passenger in front of him. WTF?!? Apparently that took 6 police officers to deal with that one. (That is how many I counted.)
Yeah, no wonder I’m in a weird headspace.