I’m feeling mushy.
Squishy too, but that’s a different problem, if you will.
When a combination of stress, lack of sleep and allergies come together, I fly high on the adrenaline, then I crash. I feel down. I feel low. I feel sensitive. I feel mushy – or more like overly emotional in certain areas. I want sleep and sun and naps and cuddles and hugs and kisses and chocolate and coffee and comfort food.
In other words, I am having stress related drop and I need aftercare.
So while I sit there in the middle of it trying to figure out what the fuck is going on – where these emotions are coming from – what are they really – I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. I need people but can’t communicate what’s going on with any sort of accuracy to explain what I need.
All I know is what I feel.
And even that, I don’t understand.
Making it worse today was the fact it was 75 degrees outside – sunny – beautiful – and a glimpse of what is to come. All of this is going on outside of the windowless room we are sequestered into for the day. They brought us food. And each time I thought maybe I could sneak out, my boss would sneak out and ask me to hold down the fort – the fucker.
So there I sat, in a windowless room – allergies going nuts because besides the pollen, the room they chose for us is newly remodeled which means I’m sure there was no dust in there at all “eye roll”. I chatted with a few people here and there. But mainly I tried to keep the cats going forward – and keeping them communicating – and keeping them from fucking up any more than they already had. Oh yeah, and undoing a fuck up that happened under my watch yesterday. That was great fun right there. Sigh.
Anyway, so here I am sitting there feeling off, not understanding why – feeling pouty because I’m stuck in a fucking windowless room with 15 other people – all who are talking at once so you can’t either follow a conversation or hear yourself think. And I feel like I’m sinking further.
When all things seemed to be in hand, I finally said screw it – call me if you need me – I’m going home. When I walk – I rarely meander. I have a destination, so I get there. No screwing around. I walk. Today, as I felt the warmth hit me – felt the sunshine on my face – I wandered to the car. I tried to leave the crappy feeling at work.
Then I got home – and went into my poor, neglected garden. I unearthed the strawberries from the weeds. I cleaned out the old bean vines. I tackeld the huge mountain of blackberry vines that grew into our yard from our neighbor’s yard. I pulled and cut and swore and bled and swore some more. And in the process found my compost pile with great compost in it. Found the raspberry canes that found their way in the blackberries – competing with them instead of losing to them. I found that my artichoke plant is happy and multiplied. My sweet onions are going crazy with new onions. I found a few beets that continued to grow. And as I made my way around the raised beds, clearing weeds, pulling vines, cutting back plants that are a bit out of control but in a good way – I felt good cleaning it up. Felt my mood raising – felt like as I was tearing out the weeds and the blackberries that I was tearing out the crappy mood and leaving it behind.
I went back through and tilled up the dirt in the beds. I discovered that my clematis is going to explode with blooms this year. The little vine that could is proving it is a survivor despite my worry that I would need to just give up on it.
What an amazing metaphor for my day. That through the brambles and the disarray, you can find things blooming – things that are working hard to survive – to push through the weeds and find the sun.
I like that analogy.
I was able to do that today.
I let the energy from the earth – the energy of happy people outside enjoying the day – feed me so that I could push through the crap and find the sun myself.