Delayed

on

Everyone has been talking this week about con-crash.  The inevitable effect of too much time immersed in the community then being tossed back in the real world.

I didn’t have it.

I was hurting too much.

I didn’t care about anything but fixing shit.  Learning from shit.  And trying to figure out how to function with that ache where my heart was…..or should be.  Feeling like a piece is missing.  And trying to just breath.

Once I got through all of that – at least in a better place.

I flew last night. I flew from the happiness. I flew from the love. I flew from the feeling that all was going to be okay. I could breath. I could love. I could be happy.

So last night, I laughed. I smiled. I hugged. I talked. I enjoyed the positive.

Then went to dinner with G where we talked about the week – processing it.  And savored the place we find ourself at again – a good place.

We came home – I exchanged some messages with SB – messages that made me smile some more – continue the soar.

I fell asleep that way.

Happy. Content. Loved.

I woke up this morning feeling like I couldn’t wake up.

I went to work – got some food. Got my triple latte.  And was not waking up.

I felt wrung out.

I felt ick.

I felt like I was going to be sick.

So I went home and slept.

Slept for hours, cuddle into bed with my bear.

I woke up – ate a little something – went to the bathroom – then collapsed again.

Maybe I’m getting sick, I thought.

I got up to watch a movie with Indigo.  A stupid movie that somehow ended up in our collection – and she had never seen.  About 2/3rds of the way through it, I felt tears slip down my face.  I felt incredibly sad.  I felt like I just wanted to hibernate in my bed. I felt the need for cuddles – and chocolate – and love.

The lightbulb went on.

Delayed drop.

Why do I feel like I’m face down in a mud puddle right now? Because I am emotionally.

And it sucks.

I know this will pass.  I’m eating.  I’m just trying to ride the wave that is drop.  I’m being kind to me.

But to go from the high high of last night to this…..just sucks.

But this too will pass.

What do you think?