You don’t stay in a relationship for nearly 22 years without fucking up. You learn to realize that the emotions must first past – that both parties must be able to talk from a different place before resolution can happen. Sometimes it happens right away. Sometimes a situation must be left so logic and reason can come back and raw emotion can pass before anything can be resolved.
Parents can lead by example. Sometimes as an example of what to do, but in this case, my dad lead by what not to do. He was brilliant at flipping out, not listening, coming from a place of bad or negative, and making you feel like you were the most worthless human being alive.
Then an hour or two later, after it was out of his system, he would feel like shit because he made himself feel good by destroying someone he loved. Then he had to try to undo the damage or at least control the damage. I’ll give it to him, he ways owned his shit after the fact. But it took him almost 50 years to figure out that maybe he should just walk away.
I remember the first time I let my temper fly. The damage control after was so great that there was not enough apologies to fix it. No one wants to feel bad – or more exactly, worthless. And boy is making someone worthless easy to do in that situation.
So I learned from my dad…. to walk away instead of going there.
But sometimes I even fuck that up.
And it never fails – I seem to use that when its with someone I love. I have taught myself to walk away so readily that for those who don’t understand the reason behind it – they see it not as I intend it but as a tactic or a game or a message or caring or worth. Even if I forewarn them it is what I do – and what it means.
I was a good kid – the easy kid. But when being 20min late for curfew results in two hours of anger by dad with accusations of lying and misleading and other bad behavior, results in so many tears because no matter what you say the ‘I lost track of time’ truth isn’t enough – you don’t ever want to unleash that on someone else. Those are moments that teach you the very wrong things. Those are moments where fear is revealed – not your own but those of my dad’s in this case.
I never wanted to be that person. And trust me, I can be if I allowed myself.
I sent the wrong message to someone I love and care for deeply. All because I was upset and fled to get into a better head space. All because I didn’t want to let that emotion get ahold and let it come out.
I didn’t do it out of disrespect. I didn’t do it because I felt he was easy to walk away from. I didn’t do it because I didn’t understand. I did it because I didn’t want my emotional response to overtake the situation.
Yet it did. And it had the same result.
Someone who put a lot of trust in me to not hurt him as he entered into a situation he never had done or wanted to do. He told others ‘I trust Emmy’……and I made it seem like he was easily tossed aside.
We have heard this weekend a whole lot about intent – doing things with intent. Understanding the intent behind it so you don’t allow the emotional response to overtake the situation. Because without understanding their intent, sometimes we substitute what we think their true intent was.
I should have stated my intent before I walked away. I regret that. I should have stated my intent came from a place of love not anything else. I should have said those things even if my voice cracked and the tears broke loose. I should have moved with intent.
This relationship like the one I have with G is incredibly important to me. Even if my actions didn’t make him feel that way. I hope it is important to him. I hope all of the words we have exchanged can shine through this fucked up communication issue – and allow us to continue our journey together. I am now trying to balance pushy with giving him what he needs because I find him incredibly worth being with. I want to work through it and learn from it and not let it be the way we leave things.
Funny how this situation has made me feel worthless. The thing I try to avoid doing to others, I did to me.
Doesn’t matter the intent.