I don’t deserve what I have.

I often look at my life – my stuff, the people in it, and I feel like I somehow bamboozled the universe into thinking I deserve what I have.  I often feel like I’m greedy, like I’m selfish – that somehow I have too much while people have too little.

And in those moment, I feel like I should step away. I don’t want anyone to go without – to be hurt – to  compromise.  I want everyone to be happy.  I want them to get exactly what they need.  I want them to be whole.

I don’t know.  I guess I don’t feel worthy.  I don’t feel I need anything I earned.  I feel there are greater goods.  Hell, I was given a reward for working, and my first inclination was to give it away.  I am still going to give it away.  I am arranging it now.  While others will calculate what it is costing them, I calculate what I owe.

I remember when I was young.  I wanted something – I was told I could get anything, and i picked what I wanted.  I was told it was too much. I was told I could have anything but that.  I was told that to have that was to force others to compromise.  So, I decided to go without.

In the end, I got what I had asked.  I got it.  Hell, I still have it, if memory serves.  Yet, I remember being torn.  Between what I want vs what was right.  In the end, I didn’t want anyone to compromise.  No matter what it cost me.  And while my parents got me what I wanted, I remember feeling guilt about it. I remember worrying about what it may have cost others.

I don’t know. I guess I will always worry more than the normal person. I will worry that I have too much. I will worry that I am not giving enough. I will worry that someone is going without when they shouldn’t.  I will worry that I should be doing more.

It doesn’t matter if it is time, or money or stuff or whatever it is.  I will worry.  I will feel unworthy.  I will want more for those I care about than I want for me.

I wonder sometimes if I will ever feel worthy.

What do you think?

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