I had a conversation with someone on Sunday. We were working on an upcoming event when he asked “are you a type A personality?”
I explained that part of me is but part is not. While I can be a dog on a bone when I want something, I have a point of diminishing returns that makes me stop. Probably meaning I am not quite it.
“But are you the hardest on yourself? Is your self criticism worse than what anyone can say to you?”
I was amazed at the question. It was a good one. A question that really shows you the inside of a person.
Yes.
I am my harshest critic.
There is not a thought or a feeling that I won’t question even after expressed.
I will always regret not handling a situation differently.
I will always worry that I didn’t say the right thing or do the right thing.
Even if assured I did both of those things correctly.
I am my harshest coach.
I expect more from me than any one person could.
When I say I am not that person, I am the one who will hold myself to the standards I set for myself – above and beyond what is reasonable.
It’s funny how a conversation like that comes back to haunt you.
It’s funny how a situation can arise that makes you feel unworthy – makes you feel like you aren’t holding yourself to a high enough standard.
Can make you feel like a failure in all of that.
I remember a softball game I played once. When the game ended, I came off the field angry. Why? Because I had failed the team. I had missed a wild pitch – a wild pitch – not an error – but a wild pitch – and it ruined my whole game. Someone scored – it was my fault – and so I was pissed.
The game I play according to my dad was one where I committed no errors. I had 3 RBIs including scoring the tying and the winning run for the game. It was one of the best games of my career.
Yet, in my head, it was the worst.
I am my own enemy.
I will always hold myself to higher standards than anyone can hold me.
And when I think I’m being the most unreasonable, I have been told I am not…
Yet I don’t believe.
Yeah, I’m a type A personality.
And at times – at times, I don’t believe it is enough.
Soooo….How high are your own standards in the area of forgiveness?
I, like you, am my own worst critic. Then someone came along and asked me the question I have asked you above.
Let’s just say that I am still seriously working on that and it has been 20 years now.