I had a conversation with someone on Sunday. We were working on an upcoming event when he asked “are you a type A personality?”
I explained that part of me is but part is not. While I can be a dog on a bone when I want something, I have a point of diminishing returns that makes me stop. Probably meaning I am not quite it.
“But are you the hardest on yourself? Is your self criticism worse than what anyone can say to you?”
I was amazed at the question. It was a good one. A question that really shows you the inside of a person.
I am my harshest critic.
There is not a thought or a feeling that I won’t question even after expressed.
I will always regret not handling a situation differently.
I will always worry that I didn’t say the right thing or do the right thing.
Even if assured I did both of those things correctly.
I am my harshest coach.
I expect more from me than any one person could.
When I say I am not that person, I am the one who will hold myself to the standards I set for myself – above and beyond what is reasonable.
It’s funny how a conversation like that comes back to haunt you.
It’s funny how a situation can arise that makes you feel unworthy – makes you feel like you aren’t holding yourself to a high enough standard.
Can make you feel like a failure in all of that.
I remember a softball game I played once. When the game ended, I came off the field angry. Why? Because I had failed the team. I had missed a wild pitch – a wild pitch – not an error – but a wild pitch – and it ruined my whole game. Someone scored – it was my fault – and so I was pissed.
The game I play according to my dad was one where I committed no errors. I had 3 RBIs including scoring the tying and the winning run for the game. It was one of the best games of my career.
Yet, in my head, it was the worst.
I am my own enemy.
I will always hold myself to higher standards than anyone can hold me.
And when I think I’m being the most unreasonable, I have been told I am not…
Yet I don’t believe.
Yeah, I’m a type A personality.
And at times – at times, I don’t believe it is enough.