Never Pinch a Sadist: Demons & BDSM

This is a tricky subject.

This is a controversial subject.  I can only hope I get my point across.

Recently, someone in our local community posted a rant/reminder about touching.  Consensual touching is a big deal in the kink scene.  The number one thing I tell all swingers who are at a kink party is this: don’t touch.  Swingers are a touchy crowd.  The BDSM crowd is about negotiation and consent.  Even a touch on the shoulder can be perceived as invasive and nonconsensual. So ask is my advise.

At a local munch, a newbie was there and was non-consensually touched.  She was too afraid to say anything – “frozen in fear that came from her past which involved sexual assault” as it was explained. So her friend – an experienced community member sent out the reminder/rant.

People expressed their annoyance that this was coming up again.  They were supporting her.  They apologized for the rudeness. They encouraged anyone too afraid to say something to tell someone who will.  Etc, etc etc.

And while I agree. I totally agree that someone should only be touched if they consent.  I am also concerned.

I am concerned that in a bar, a non-sexual situations, she could not speak up.

Would she be able to speak up if she ever scened at a BDSM party?

Did she have her past demons under control enough where she could keep herself safe?

I am concerned.

And what concerned me as well was the number of people who spoke up – saying they felt the same way – with the same experience.  And that concerned me too.

Our kink community here watches out for those who have demons and speak about them.  We protect those who need it.  I recall one experienced member of my community commenting once that love or hate them – annoyed or not – they are still brothers and sisters who we watch out for.

I just worry and wonder – if they have had such traumatic experiences that have resulted in them not having the ability to correct another newbie or someone who oversteps a line with them – are they ready for kink?

While I know some will talk about how kink helped them work though issues from their past, I am still concerned.  We aren’t trained psychologists who know how to help in a way that makes sure we don’t do further damage.  Additionally, whoever plays with them need to be made aware of this before they agree.  They need to agree to it.  Because it involves risks on both sides – both sides need to consent.

Kink is fun. I like it.  But please, please look inside and make sure you can keep yourself safe.  Make sure you know yourself and know how to speak up for yourself.  Because when push comes to shove, you are the only one who can stop a scene.  You have to be able to use your safe word. You have to be able to say enough.  And you need to be able to tell an asshole to back off.

Because once in a scene – you are all you have.

What do you think?