I am not your common girl.
I am not your common girl in a common open relationship.
I am not your common girl who is poly.
I find myself painted with a brush of the usual….
Of the usual girl who wants something that I do not.
Of the girl who wants as many open relationships as possible.
Or the girls who do not have a good primary relationship like I do.
I feel sometimes that I am a good fall back plan.
I am good support.
I am good for ideas or advice.
I am good for making someone feel better.
But that’s it.
And I am left wondering who will make me feel better.
Who will be there for me.
Who will look at me, see me for the woman I am (not the woman others are) and will revel in their good luck.
So far, no one.
I wonder sometimes what I have done to my karma or to the universe to continually be smacked across the head with the mistakes of others….with the preference of others…with the images of others. Why I am continually finding people in my life who cannot look upon me and see me for who I am….not those people ….but for who I am.
I was recently told to not give up. But it’s hard not to .
It’s hard not to give up with those closest to you cannot see you as who you are.
Who do not find you to be a fun person but as a person who is only good for chat or the occasional time when it behooves them.
I often find myself alone. Unable to share my feelings with anyone. Unable to be accepted as who I am, but as others are.
I am resigned.
I am resigned to be alone.
I am resigned to only find strength in myself.
I am resigned to be everyone’s fan while having none of my own.
I only have me.
Why I try, I have no idea.
I am done.
I really am.
Because while I am thankful for people in my life….
….no one is thankful for me.
Actions speak louder than words…
My energy is my own….
….no more will I give it.
I am finished being judged.