On Being Judged

I am not your common girl.

I am not your common girl in a common open relationship.

I am not your common girl who is poly.

Yet…..

….yet…

I find myself painted with a brush of the usual….

Of the usual girl who wants something that I do not.

Of the girl who wants as many open relationships as possible.

Or the girls who do not have a good primary relationship like I do.

I feel sometimes that I am a good fall back plan.

I am good support.

I am good for ideas or advice.

I am good for making someone feel better.

But that’s it.

And I am left wondering who will make me feel better.

Who will be there for me.

Who will look at me, see me for the woman I am (not the woman others are) and will revel in their good luck.

So far, no one.

I wonder sometimes what I have done to my karma or to the universe to continually be smacked across the head with the mistakes of others….with the preference of others…with the images of others.  Why I am continually finding people in my life who cannot look upon me and see me for who I am….not those people ….but for who I am.

I was recently told to not give up.  But it’s hard not to .

It’s hard not to give up with those closest to you cannot see you as who you are.
Who do not find you to be a fun person but as a person who is only good for chat or the occasional time when it behooves them.

I often find myself alone.  Unable to share my feelings with anyone.  Unable to be accepted as who I am, but as others are.

I am resigned.

I am resigned to be alone.

I am resigned to only find strength in myself.

I am resigned to be everyone’s fan while having none of my own.

I only have me.

Why I try, I have no idea.

I am done.

I really am.

Because while I am thankful for people in my life….

….no one is thankful for me.

Actions speak louder than words…

…..actions received.

My energy is my own….

….no more will I give it.

I am finished being judged.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Summerland says:

    I think you have a beautiful site.

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