Ramblings

Someone commented this week that it was a year ago that I started with the company.  Funny how a small phrase can cause one to reflect back on where I was at a year ago.

A year ago, I had been unemployed for four months. I had two jobs slip through my fingers before landing this one.

A year ago, I had summer adventures – some good memories amid some pretty terrible ones.

A year ago, I had a lot of lows.

A year ago, I would hit a lot lower than I thought I could.

A year ago, I had a close knit family.  I had people I was incredibly close to that I saw almost as much as my own family.

Almost a year ago, I blew that apart by say ‘I’m done’.

And while lots of good things happened over the past year. There are truthfully some good things I miss from that time.  No, it does not mean I want to go backwards.  That part of my journey is over.  If it happened to cross paths again, that would be one thing. But backwards – the old – is not what I crave.

And while some of that craving of things from the past is coming back, that past seems to always be the constant barrier – constant reminder – of how things have changed.  How I have changed. How people have changed, for good and bad.

Today, I have a relationship with a guy who is kind, kinkier than hell, and has took me on a new leg of my kink adventures.  Seven months we have been together.  Feels like just like yesterday when, over coffee, he asked to put me on his profile.

Today, I have a job that drives me crazy, but also satisfies my need for chaos.  I have something to fix – something I can fix and get paid for it.

Today, I am actually a part of the kink community.  A year ago, I wasn’t going out much except to volunteer occasionally at the kink party.  Now, it is a weekly event where I feel odd if I don’t go out.  I’m helping. I have some good friends from that world.  It’s fun.

Today, I have established myself as a “heavy bottom” that has scenes that have now officially scared people form the party.  I was recently told I was a great bottom for new/learning Tops/Doms because I give feedback without killing the scene – or topping from the bottom. Never knew any of that about myself.

Today I go to a party and know I can play if I want to without much effort in terms of finding a top.  Just last week, I had two tops corner me at a munch and request a scene with me at some upcoming parties.

Today, I still struggle with some things in my life. I still struggle with the feeling like I should be doing something to solve people’s problems while at the same time keeping myself sane.  But, I feel less compelled to do it.

They say life is a journey. They also say you can’t go forward if you are looking back.  I try hard not to look back. But the journey is not linear, as I have been told repeatedly.  Sometimes, I have to look back to see how far I’ve come and/or overcome.

Someone asked me why I’ve been in an odd mood this week – grumpy, little tolerance for people in general, the need to pull back.  It is me trying to process the good and the bad that comes tumbling at me when someone says “wow – it’s been a year!”

Because, yes, it HAS been a year.

What do you think?