Sitting around the fire the other night with some friends, we had an interesting conversation that revolved around getting started in BDSM and open relationships. These friends were kind of doing both at the same time.
As we sat listening to their stories, you could hear their concerns coming through – both sides. Reminded me a bit of our own journey once my place turned kinky. And like them, we seemed to find the middle of the road only by first finding the ditches. And those ditches did not make it fun – but lead to stress at times. So, it made me think to myself, what would I have told us back in the beginning.
1. Lay the cards on the table. I was the kinkier of the two at the start. He was more a swinger. I should have laid my cards more on the table so we could talk about what exactly we each needed if I played kinky.
For me, I liked the rough play. The bruises and soreness weren’t a big deal. For G, they were a huge deal. They meant someone wasn’t treating his wife right. They meant someone returned me “broken”. And that upset him. It was a sign of disrespect. He felt it walked too far past the “pleasure for pain” thing – and into the grounds of “you injured my wife”. This distinction created his reaction.
Once we hit this wall by accident – after a particular rough play session that kept my nipples off limits for a good several days, I realized I had to make sure I came back functional, if you will. He didn’t want the boundaries put up that the other guy did not have. So, I started having to find limits with playmates to ensure I didn’t come home “broken”.
2. Boundaries. I started talking about this in the previous point. Boundaries to keep people feeling good about the arrangement. What is and is not tolerated. But let’s take it a step further. I have found in my own experience that rules and boundaries are important in the beginning. Having that box makes people be sure there are