I’ve stared at this blank screen a few times over the past 16 hours having a lot of things I want to write about – want to get off my chest – but the words won’t come.
My conflict of emotions right now are blocking things. If you were ask, how are you? I’m not sure how I’d answer. If caught in a particularly good part of my day, I may say great. Work is chugging along quite nicely. I’m getting shit done – have a kick ass team. And am enjoying the sense of seeing things progress like they should. I would say that things with G and me are great. How much I love having him around knowing it won’t be for a one week stint before he’s off for his next adventure. I would tell you about how I’ve started running again. How I chose a couch-to-5K program knowing if I did it any other way, I’d end up feeling annoyed with myself as I get back into running shape.
At another part of my day, I would say I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed with what feels like the endless whining I am hearing from others. This isn’t perfect or that isn’t perfect – the whining spans the spectrum of things but the themes are the same. I would say I’m around ready to shake a few people – yell, you have so many things to be thankful for – yet you are sitting here nitpicking shit instead of counting your blessings. I’d launch into my rant about how people that seek the bad in the world – in life – will always, ALWAYS find it. How its the one guarantee in life. I would acknowledge that everyone goes through a time where they wish one thing or another would be better. But do something about it, damn it! Do more than just talk – than just wish. One thing is true in life – good things come to those who work for them.
At another part of my day, I would tell you I’m feeling lonely – somewhat by choice, but somewhat by the fact I’m just sick of people. I’m sick of whining (see above), I’m sick of people who feel the need to blow smoke my way to mask how they are truly feeling even though I am already aware which makes me feel lied to. I’m sick of people who muddy the waters because they have to be in the middle of everything yet not adding value to anything. I’m sick of the petty debates about things that don’t matter. I’m sick of the talking without listening. I’m sick of giving my ear, my time, my positive energy to people who shit on it as though it has no value, then complain that they never have anyone give them time or an ear. I’m lonely because I’m stepping away. I can’t listen anymore. I can’t handle looking at the sea of people in my life – and being able to count on one hand how many people view me as important and fun and not just another person. I’m lonely because I’m sick of feeling used.
It’s this last one that has me longing for that hard candy shell that used to cover me – that used to keep everything from touching me emotionally. That shit would bounce off because it had no choice. And while I was lonely, I was safe in knowing that I didn’t have to deal with that shit – fuck that shit and the people that brings it was my mantra. I was too cynical too young. And I realized I needed to not be that way – that life is more exciting when not everything bounces off. When some things get through.
But it feels somedays that once you crack open that possibility that the waters come flooding in, knock it wide open and start invading that once empty space. I feel like I’m at the mercy of the seas – bouncing around without a rudder or sail. I feel that the sea starts getting too crowded – crowded with people less interesting in figuring out how to navigate – and more interested in running into others as a way to find some open space.
Maybe I’m just in a space right now where I’m taking the damn tiller and gaining control over the rudder – I’m trying to adjust the sails, so I can sail to clear calm water. While I know I cannot control the water and the wind, I can decide where I can sail – and right now I feel the need to sail clear of those around me. The water is too crowded – and wind too volatile for me to find my own course.