It Is Not Linear

I recall the first time my coach told me this:

“Your feeling will not be linear.  They will go forward. They will go backward. They will go in circles – or so it seems.  But they will go the direction they need to go. They are not linear.”

I didn’t believe her. I wanted to, instead, believe they would go forward only.  They would go through a predictable process. I wanted to be Lisa Simpson – able to track the stages – clearly and without question.  So hearing this made me feel good and bad.  It made me feel good because my feelings were ok.  They were not unexpected.  But I still hated them – the bad.

You see, I learned something over the past several years of being open and poly – I have feelings.

I feel like those fake cans of peanuts – you pry the lid off and the snakes jump out at you. I am the can – and my feelings are the snakes.

And just like the analogy – the snakes are not easy to put back in the can.

I used to pride myself on keeping my emotions to me.  I used pride myself that I could have these feelings but not feel anything.  I could feel happy. But crying was reserved for sad times – death – not people who are alive.

Yet, I have discovered that crying is not reserved for death.  It is for frustration – sadness in general – loss of what you love – what you care about – mourning of what isn’t or should have been – and just general anger that cannot manifest.

In short, crying was an easily accesible emotion  – one I wanted to go away.

I feel too much some days. I feel when I am feeling neglected. I’m feeling when I’m feeling unheard. I’m feeling when I feel like I’m there only for others only.

It used to be – in the days where emotions were gone – that I would not feel so much.  I would notice it but push it aside. I could focus on what was with someone else – but could put what I felt onto a shelf. Something to notice at a distance but not deal with.

Today, I have to deal with it.

And I hate it.

I hate what it makes me conclude – right or wrong.  I hate wondering if what i am giving while never getting back. I wonder if I would be better off in the state of before.

But here is the thing – before I was not me.  I was a person who people could not read. I was a person who no one got close to. I was a person that G knew but very few others did.

I was a good person to help but not a good person to know – because there was a wall.

By taking the wall away, I have experienced lots of things – but feelings are the worst.

Vulnerable is not weak. I know that now.

But knowing is half the battle.

Knowing is also painful. To know – and not know what to do.

To know – but feel like it is too much to ask to ask for what I need.

I am learning.

It is just slow.

It is not easy.

But the thing I remind myself is that it is something I would never trade.

At least…..
……for today.

What do you think?