Over the past month, I have been alone about 3 weeks of it.  Between training, a trip to comicon, and now a trip with the kids, G has been out of town.  So, I have spent most of July alone.

I recall a time when I craved alone time.  I recall a time when I would just go into my own little bubble of a world – and be happy people were ignoring me.  Now, I have discovered, I don’t like it.  Some alone time is good – too much is bad.

Too much gives me too much time to think.

Too much gives me too much time to realize how much I hate alone.

Sure I can get some shit done, but I have no one to talk to.  I have no one to share my day with.  I have no one to just sit and be with or do something with. I have no affection.  I have no hugs or kisses or anything of the sort.

I am alone.

What sucks even more is the fact my play partner has also been out of town most of the month.  So, there are no choices there.  I was going to the munch and soaking in the hugs.  On one of my bad days where all kinds of shit had hit the fan and I was just done and alone – one of my male friends just reached across the table and held my hand.   That small act of intimacy almost brought me to tears.  I realized how much I had missed it.  Missed having that in my life for a month.  Missed those simple acts of kindness and affection.  Missed having someone at home that would hold my hand as I was unwinding from my day.

Later on, he was standing behind me, slid his hand under my shirt,  and just started stroking my skin – almost like he was calming a cat.  I leaned into him, closed my eyes, and just savored the connection and affection.  When we were all leaving, he and his wife both game me huge hugs and kisses.  I was happy to have them.

Another friend of mine tonight commented that it was what I was missing – in general – the intimacy.  I have play partners and such, but I don’t have the intimacy that I have had in the past.  That sort of connection where we can have dinner or a drink or coffee – and we can talk and hold hands and curl up together.  Intimacy.

I miss it.