Breath In, Breath Out

on

Cause all you people are vampires
And all your stories are stale
And though you pretend to stand by us
I know you’re certain we’ll fail”

~Arctic Monkeys

My energy is gone.

I feel as though it has been sucked from me.  People aren’t even realizing they are doing it.  I try to maintain a block – a barrier between me and them. I try to remind myself that their issues are their elephants – I don’t have to care for them, feed them, or name them.  

Yet, I find that sometimes, I can’t help it – I slide right into my role.

I need a vacation.  I need a time to recharge my batteries. I need release. I need hugs. I need cuddles. I need laughs over beers.  

Yet, I cannot have any of those things.  Life is in the way. I have no vacation at work.  There are too many things to do at home.  I can’t count on people who are absent due to their own stress.  So I try to recharge myself.

I have been taking a tantra class with a friend.  It’s all about living life – acknowledging the energy – and realizing the power we have within us.  I try to remember to put my energy to things that deserve my attention.  I try to breath.  I try to experience all aspects of life – slow down – not only smell the flowers but touch and taste them too.

But for some reason, this week, I’m finding it hard.

Work is a place where I cannot succeed.  My project is so many shades of red I don’t even know where to start.

Zee is gone so I have no kink outlet.  And since he’s on vacation, we are in radio silence.

Everyone is back at home – but so much is going on that I can’t help but fall into a support role as I am committing the cardinal sin – I’m  believing that every one else is having a worse time than me – I’m comparing problems.

So, as I drop from my weekend – from my time alone – I find myself alone.

I don’t even have the strength to reach out right now.  I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep my way to the other side of things.

Yet I cannot.

I bit my boss’s head off in a meeting today.  While she deserved it, I can admit it was not my proudest moment.

I had to yell at a committee member for the art gallery.  Why? He was a dick to a volunteer and has pissed off the owner.  So, I had to provide him with some direct feedback.

I am realizing I miss dates.  I have a playmate, but he is mean and all – we don’t have dates. I miss the ones that occurred outside of the sex club.

I am fed up with being held accountable for delivering things while having zero control over any aspect of delivery.  Zero.  If they lie to me, there is nothing that will happen. If I lie or they feel I did,  then I’m screwed.
I am trying to be kind to myself, but for the last few days I feel I am failing.  So, of course, I am beating myself up about it because, well, that’s what I do.

So, I must remind myself to breath in and out. I must remind myself to relax my shoulders.  I must remind myself to not be mean to me.  I must remind myself to give myself credit.  Must remind myself that I am not my enemy.

Some call the beast that feeds you negative, the lizard.  My lizard needs to be silenced. If only I knew how.


2 Comments Add yours

  1. I hope you find at least a few minutes to relax and take time for yourself.

  2. OsShirt says:

    I’ll give you the laughs over beers. We need to talk soon!

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