I wish I could say that these doubts are confined to one area of my life, but they never are. They spread like fast growing ivy from one part of my life to another – entangling it – choking the life out of me just as ivy would do to a tree.
I start second guessing everything. I start wondering what I am doing right. I start wondering about relationship – friendships, romantic, whatever. I start questioning my ability to do my job or even if this job was the right decision. I start wondering if I am doing the right things as a parent. I start looking at everything as the doubts bound me to the point where I cannot move.
I used to believe that minor doubts kept you honest. Wonder about a relationship, for example, and maybe it is your subconscious’s way of saying “you need to spend more time there before it implodes”.
But now I realize it is a factor that does not bring people together or make sure things get fixed or stay firm, but it is something that separates. That makes mountains out of molehills. That eats away at the doubter in a destructive way.
It has been hard to grab the sword lately and cut away these doubts. I don’t know if its the weather or the stress or what – but I feel like I need help – need help peeling it away – help making sure that it doesn’t choke me.
And while it tries to surround me, I’ll do my best to keep it at bay. ‘Tis all I can do.