Last night, I had a conversation with a friend that went like this:
Her: “….and then she made it clear, I don’t want a relationship with you. I just want to be playmates.”
Me: “She does know that playmates are a defined relationship right?”
Her: “I know….but geesh, did she think I wanted to keep her forever just because I played with her?? Plus, what does that mean ‘relationship’?? “
Then I dragged out my imaginary soap box……about relationships.
Every interaction we have with every human being in this world is a relationship.
Too overly generalistic for you? (Yes, I made up that word – it should be a word.)
My point is that boundaries are what make a relationship. For example, what makes my relationship with my 12 year old different than my relationship with a friend? Topics of conversation, power dynamic, ability to ground the child but not the friend, etc. These boundaries define each relationship. In the one I have with my daughter, I call that being a parent. I love her. I guide her. I verbally whack her across the head when she needs it. With my friend, it is called friendship. While I may provide some of those same things to a friend, I also speak more freely. She reciprocates. I can love a friend.
It is what we NAME the relationship and the BOUNDARIES that define a relationship – not the term “relationship”.
Why the soap box rant?
Relationships are not bad. They are not things to be avoided. Hell, I would argue that they are unavoidable unless you chose to totally stop interacting with people, but then that would be how you define your relationship with people – thus proving my point.
I get overly annoyed with people who also look at women in the scene or in swinging – and assume if there is a friendship and fucking that the woman must want more. Cause while it may be good, a good fuck is not a romantic relationship or a seriously involved relationship. It is merely a moment in time when both parties chose to get naked and fuck. That is fucking.
And as a woman, I can fuck you and leave you. I can and I have. I like sex. I know how to get sex. And I have fucked people I’ve never heard from again. Even those I’ve fucked repeatedly, I have not wanted as a boyfriend. I liked fucking them. That was the relationship I wanted.
That all being said, I do believe it is important to name a relationship. You want everyone on the same page – than give it an accurate name. We have X. We have Y. Whatever it is, just give it a fucking name.
Same friend has a guy in her life that is great with boundaries but his boundaries do not match his actions as defined by their boundaries and name. Actions = Words. If they do not match, this will cause problems. It is simple math.
Let me put it a different way. You are hired for a job. Your job is to fix computers. Great. It is what you believe it is. It is what you are told by your boss it is. Until you realize one day that you are also answering phones and making your boss coffee and order the office supplies. Not fixing computers. Why are you unhappy? The name of your job doesn’t match what is actually happening. If your boss disagreed and said – but I want you to fix computers. That is your title. That is what you are supposed to do because of it – yet, your boss only gives you work that is administrative in nature. You are going to get frustrated. You are going to get annoyed. You are going to be unhappy.
It works the same way in relationships of any sort. Exactly the same way.
- All human interactions are relationships of some sort.
- Relationships are not bad.
- Actions must equal the Words meaning the name must match what is happening.
- Oh, and women can fuck and not want anything more out of the relationship.