A couple weeks ago, Veronica at ASM suggested that Never Pinch a Sadist may be a good name for a book on BDSM. I thought it might make a good name for a series of posts about BDSM from my perspective.
I thought I would use this one to talk about my dilema with SG. For those of you new to the blog SG is a kinky guy I used to play with. We parted company last May after a scare made him flee. I have been approached by him and his wife with the proposal to start playing again.
And I’m being non-committal.
Why? I mean, we had great fun, right?
But the problem is this – he won’t learn about things he wants to try. And if he sees my bruises, he will want to know and try whatever caused them to be there. Sadists, Tops and Doms generally (but not universally) are inspired to leave their own marks if they find the marks of others.
There are certain things you can sort of figure out as you go. Spanking, nipple torture, even some bondage can be experimented with and figured out. But there are things in the community that need instruction else you can hurt others in a bad way – in a “hospital trip” sort of way. Floggers, canes, whips, certain paddles, certain materials, suspension, needles – are all things you should learn about before you use them on a partner. And when you start using them on a partner, you should do so cautiously.
I will be the first one to admit – as a friend even pointed out – I am spoiled. I have been topped by people who are considered educators in our little BDSM community. They teach classes and hold workshops on these things. I go into a scene with faith they will pay close attention to me and my reactions, they will not hurt me in a bad way, and they will take my feedback and stop if necessary.
For example, during a public scene with a sadist (that inspired this blog), he had switched back to a heavy flogger after a lot of other impact play. It felt good but suddenly wasn’t working for me. Because it was loud, I raised my hand up instead of talking – he saw it, stopped immediately, and checked in on me.
While I believe SG is capable for doing the same – in terms of stopping if things were wrong – I do not like his approach. He is the type who has told me in the past that “he will figure it out as he goes” for things like suspension, whip usage, etc. I told him that the answer would be “no” on my part, but he was still quite insistent it would be okay.
While I tend to be a bottom meaning I have things done to me by someone who Tops me, it does not mean I am uneducated. I do not simply believe that all Tops or Dominants have the qualifications to be able to use the things that they carry with them. I know the basics of where you can and cannot hit people. I know that you need to pay attention to the bottom – read feedback, etc. And I know how a bad pain can end things abruptly.
Because I know this, I am ubber careful about who I play with when things like whips and floggers are involved.
So that is my BDSM advice to newbies who are new to kink or want to ratchet it up a notch, don’t be afraid to find someone to educate you. Take a class. Find a mentor. But don’t assume that you can figure it out and keep your partner safe.
A locally known bottom recently told me her own kink story of how she got into BDSM. She and the man she was married to made a trip to Spartacus – the local kink store – and bought a rubber whip. The minute she said ‘rubber’, I knew how this would end. That night, her husband hit her with it. One stroke and she screamed like bloody murder – a bad hurt. Why? Rubber is not a warm up toy….it’s one that gets mixed in after a while. It hurts like a mother fucker. (Mother fucker, of course, being a highly technical description.) It was the night she learned they needed to learn about kink.
So where can you learn about it?
Join Fetlife and look up the local education events. Most kink communities have them. Find them and attend them.
Or, Kink Academy is another great resource. Online videos on most every topic. It requires a subscription, but it cheaper than an ER visit or a lost partner.
Lastly, attend events. If you see someone who is single tailing someone else, ask them about it after the scene. Many times they can put you in touch with a local resource.
So what am I going to do with SG?
Clearly he and I need to have a talk beforehand. Boundaries will need to be put in place. And to be honest, if he cannot understand them, I’m not sure we can play again. Responsibility will also lie with me if I do allow it even without his commitment to it. And that is a risk I’m unwilling to take.