Being Me

Being Emmy

“Just be Emmy” was the comment G made one night as we were going to a swinger gathering all of those years ago.  Just be Emmy.  

When I later asked him what that meant, he replied simply that Emmy was the person he saw all the time.  This was a person that loved freely, was open, was emotional, was self assured in her sexuality, was assertive, was kind, was a geek, was a mom, was all of those thing that I am rolled into a single person.  That is – this is – who is Emmy.

What others usually see, he pointed out, is a side of Emmy – but not the whole Emmy.  I am more guarded. I listen more than I talk in some cases.  I’m ubber assertive and dominant in other cases.  Each facet of my life had a version of Emmy which was never really who I was.

I recall writing a post a couple years ago where I explain how I needed to – on blog at least – be me – all of me – no hiding anything.  It was when I started writing about our exploits – about my exploits while not abandoning the other parts of me.  The blog was one place where I could be Emmy – all that Emmy is – without worry or at least care.

Emmy is who I am. And I don’t apologize for her.

I soon started showing more people in my life Emmy.  People who knew the sexual and kinky side of me got to see all of Emmy.  I had nothing to hide from them, so why not toss it all out there was my thinking.  And Emmy was embraced.  People gravitated towards Emmy because she was self assured, self aware, honest, and funny.  They laughed when I laughed.  It became easier and easier to be Emmy more full-time in my real life.  Where I was suppressing little of myself instead of most.  

A few days after a recent play party, I had drop – major drop – I was overly tired from a long day of work and all, I was in an emotionally raw space, and I curled up on the couch next to G and we cuddled under a blanket.  I started babbling at him.  Talking about everything bouncing around in my head.  All of the inner conflict I have been faced with – conflict that is a result of the last four months.  Conflict that all centers around trying to still be Emmy while protecting Emmy.

“Emmy has been back again. Don’t stop being her. It makes me happy that people get to see you as I get to see you – don’t let life’s bumps take that away from people.”

Old habits do die hard.  I am trying so hard not to go back to my usual defense mechanisms.  I’m trying hard not to pull away from people – or keep them at arm’s length.  I am trying hard to stay involved.  I am trying hard to not retreat inward because, well, I like Emmy too.  And crawling back into my shell is not something I want even if it does feel safer.

After I recovered from my drop, I went to a weekly event – a munch – where we all hang out, have a drink or two, and talk with “like minded people in the community”.  It is funny how I used to be nervous about going alone, but now I feel like I’m going to a friend’s house.  It is a great feeling.

I was in a snarky, funny mood – a great mood actually – and was having some great conversations with people.  The couple I was talking with had laughed that he must not have seen me before because I draw people to me and don’t have to linger.  I laughed – that never happens – and we continued to talk.

And what happened?  People started coming to us.  People were hearing us laughing and energetic, so were coming to join in.  I got up at one point to go to the bathroom when I got caught by arms of people pulling me in for hugs and not letting me go.  And we all talked and laughed.  I felt how powerful Emmy could be.

A feeling I had lost with the stress and all over the past 4-5 months.

Despite all of my inner conflict and desires to pull away and rebuild the brick wall around myself, it reminded me that it is because I didn’t do that – because I didn’t rebuild that brick wall – that allows me to have nights like that one.  It allows me to laugh freely – and be snarky – and make people laugh with my laugh – and make people smile and want to be near me.  

It’s funny how words find you when you need them.  I read recently that being in the moment is choosing vulnerability over fear.  Choosing vulnerability means choosing joy, choosing gratitude for where life is right now, choosing love, choosing light over dark, and choosing now.  It means rejecting fear of the unknown, fear of what could be, fear of the dark, and fear of tomorrow.  

And for me, that vulnerability is what makes me what to put up the walls.  Putting oneself out there and risking the hurt that could come along with the happy and the joy is a hard risk.  Being in the moment instead of worrying about the next thing is hard – it means accepting what you have right now instead of pining for the next thing.  And not pining means that next thing may not happen.  

But living in the what-if world versus the world today means missing today. It means missing the joy. It means not savoring the moment because you are already moving on from that moment instead of enjoying it.  It means unhappiness because you are fixated on what you could have.  

This is what “being is”.

And for me – it is what “being Emmy” is.

It’s savoring the moment – embracing the vulnerability – and allowing it all to light that inner fire in me that draws in the good like a moth to a flame.

I won’t ever claim that “being” is easy.

Hurt due to allowing one to be vulnerable is hard.  It makes one want to go back to the old ways.

But, for me, I like Emmy more than the old me.

So, I will risk it.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Emme0704 says:

    This post is so like me…just perfect how you explained it. And funny that I’m an “Emme” too. 🙂

What do you think?