Once upon a time, there was a girl who was dating this guy. He liked her very much, but didn’t want a relationship – let alone a serious relationship. So he reminded her on a semi-regular basis that it was not what he wanted – no serious relationship – no long-term thing. He was looking to have fun – and that was it.
The girl would roll her eyes. The girl would shake her head. The girl would let it roll off her back until one day, he said it at the wrong time with her in the wrong frame of mind. And she flipped.
Because it was his issue. He was the one who was scared. She was simply enjoying the ride – taking one day as it came. She didn’t know what she wanted, per say, but she wanted a giggle. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to have fun. She wanted to enjoy what she had instead of fretting about tomorrow because she knew that now was all we had. And lots could change.
When she flipped, she verbally smacked him across the head. She hadn’t sought these things herself, yet here she was. She was enjoying the ride. She was enjoying the sex. She was enjoying the giggles. She was enjoying the energy. For now was all she had.
Plus, the situation was what it was – she wasn’t making anything up.
Soon after, he stopped saying those things. He started settling into the situation. He started enjoying the situation instead of worrying so much about tomorrow – instead of worrying about the “what if” situations. Instead of worrying that history with other girls would repeat itself now.
And he found peace. It was not perfect, but it was good. They both had giggles. They both savored what they had. He stopped worrying about those things – and started taking it all in.
This was the first couple of years of my relationship with G. He was scared. He hated the idea of relationships because, for him, relationships all ended the same way – badly. It started when he was a kid – watching his parents’ relationship implode – than his dad and step-mom struggling as well. For him, relationships were evil – relationships were to be avoided.
But that was his baggage. Not mine. I had not gone down this path with him alone – I had gone down it with him. He had gone down with it, not an unwilling participant, but a partner in it. And, at the time, I was not ready for the what-ifs. I was not ready for the other stuff. I wanted the now. I wanted the love. I wanted the sex. I wanted the giggles.
I learned a long time ago to not give up on people.
I learned a long time ago to make people own their own baggage – to force people to judge me as me – and not as the others.
I am not like the others. Clearly, G figured that out. Clearly, despite his issues, G decided I was worth the risk. I was worth it because I was unlike others. He chose me over the fear. Almost 20 years later, and it is good. Sure we have our ups and downs. But, we are able to do it because we accept each other not as we are – and not worry about how others have treated us in the past. We do not let fear lead us – but let love.
It’s funny how history can repeat itself. I just wish it had a different ending. I want a good ending. I want the epiphany. I want the acceptance. I want someone to see me not as how others have been, but as I am. A person who is caring, understanding, and who believes that today is special – today should be savored – that a day without a giggle is a day wasted.