Right is not always easy and easy is not always right.
I remember hearing that phrase for the first time in a parenting blog or something. I related to it because, well, at the time, I was doing hard things because it was right.
Who knew it would apply to polyamory as well.
I did the hardest thing in the world two weeks ago. I ended something with someone I care about and love very much. I believe in him. I believe he is more than the hard candy shell that surrounds him. But it wasn’t enough. He wouldn’t accept me as I was, but instead chose to judge me as he would others who are not me.
I was faced with a choice. Ride it out and be hurt – or just be done with it. After a long and hard conversation with both of us, I chose to be done. I needed to walk away completely. To sever it all. The hardest thing.
It isn’t what I wanted. It still is not what I want. But I felt I was between a rock and a hard place – which kind of hurt do I want? I still question ever day if what I chose was right. I miss him. I hurt. I ache. It is far from easy.
And poor G…..he tolerates it. He tries to understand. But the woman he loves – the woman he cares about – is hurting – and it is hard for him. He holds me. He wipes away the tears. He is protecting me – protecting me for the first time ever.
There isn’t one minute that goes by that I don’t wonder if what I did was right. I miss him. It has created a void that I did not expect. I have cried more tears than I would have imagined.
I try to go on – I really do. But I worry. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. Neither choice was the choice I wanted to make. Neither was going to result in something I was going to be happy with. Did I make the right one? Which misery would have been the best?
I am still not sure.
All I know is that I hope I’m worth it. All I can do is hope I’m worth it.
All I know is that I can’t re-read parts of my blog. I there are days where I still remind myself to breath. And there have been lots of tears shed.
I lost one of my best friends.
I lost someone I thought knew me for who I am versus who they have had in the past.
I have lost a connection.
I have cried too many tears.
But I suspect that won’t end here.
And while I hope it gets easier, I fear it is forever gone.
I fear that I will put up walls and lose me.
I fear I made the wrong decision.
Maybe I should have feared this instead of what I was going through.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve lost a friend and are hurting right now. Big hugs for you
Don’t fear…understand. Instead of fearing try to understand yourself a little bit better. It will give you strength.
Hugs to you chica.
I am sorry you lost someone close to you.
It seems that you are having an especially emotionally intense week this week.
Kisses
V.
You are more than worth it..
Don’t ever doubt that..