Right vs. Easy

Right is not always easy and easy is not always right.

I remember hearing that phrase for the first time in a parenting blog or something. I related to it because, well, at the time, I was doing hard things because it was right.

Who knew it would apply to polyamory as well.

I did the hardest thing in the world two weeks ago. I ended something with someone I care about and love very much.  I believe in him.  I believe he is more than the hard candy shell that surrounds him.  But it wasn’t enough.  He wouldn’t accept me as I was, but instead chose to judge me as he would others who are not me.

I was faced with a choice.  Ride it out and be hurt – or just be done with it.  After a long and hard conversation with both of us, I chose to be done.  I needed to walk away completely.  To sever it all.  The hardest thing.

It isn’t what I wanted. It still is not what I want.  But I felt I was between a rock and a hard place – which kind of hurt do I want?  I still question ever day if what I chose was right.  I miss him.  I hurt.  I ache.  It is far from easy.

And poor G…..he tolerates it.  He tries to understand. But the woman he loves – the woman he cares about – is hurting – and it is hard for him. He holds me. He wipes away the tears.  He is protecting me – protecting me for the first time ever.

There isn’t one minute that goes by that I don’t wonder if what I did was right.  I miss him.  It has created a void that I did not expect.  I have cried more tears than I would have imagined.

I try to go on – I really do.  But I worry.  I was caught between a rock and a hard place. Neither choice was the choice I wanted to make.  Neither was going to result in something I was going to be happy with.  Did I make the right one?   Which misery would have been the best?

I am still not sure.

All I know is that I hope I’m worth it.  All I can do is hope I’m worth it.

All I know is that I can’t re-read parts of my blog. I there are days where I still remind myself to breath.  And there have been lots of tears shed.

I lost one of my best friends.

I lost someone I thought knew me for who I am versus who they have had in the past.

I have lost a connection.

I have cried too many tears.

But I suspect that won’t end here.

And while I hope it gets easier, I fear it is forever gone.

I fear that I will put up walls and lose me.

I fear I made the wrong decision.

Maybe I should have feared this instead of what I was going through.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Hubman says:

    I’m sorry to hear that you’ve lost a friend and are hurting right now. Big hugs for you

  2. Joker_SATX says:

    Don’t fear…understand. Instead of fearing try to understand yourself a little bit better. It will give you strength.

    Hugs to you chica.

  3. I am sorry you lost someone close to you.

    It seems that you are having an especially emotionally intense week this week.

    Kisses
    V.

  4. Just me... says:

    You are more than worth it..
    Don’t ever doubt that..

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