I love the fucker.
I don’t know how many times I have clearly said that to those I care about. And those who care about me. When they say or do things where there heart is in the right place but whose actions I cannot control, I remind them he is not hated by me – quite the opposite really.
Despite it all, I hurts because of that simple fact – I love him. And it hurts because I do not like how things went or how I thought they had to go to get to a place where we hopefully can be happy. I fret every day about how it played out wondering if I should have done something different. Wondering if the outcome would have been different. Wondering if the feelings would be different.
Am I happy? No. I am trying. I am wanting it. But happy seems to be a stop on my emotional roller coaster but not a constant state. I feel there is an empty spot – one that is not getting filled. And when I have those moments where I think he would find it as funny as me, that empty space feels vast when I realize he isn’t there.
Do I want him to get it? Understand what I’m feeling? Yes. Do I want him to learn from this? Hell yes. I want him to live in the moment – enjoy what he has instead of constantly striving for this mythical better. I want him to look at people as they are, not what others have done to him in the past.
Am I going to sabotage his life? Nope. It is not who I am. It is not how I live my life. Karma is a bitch if you are – and I learned that lesson long ago – so I refuse to go there again. I want him to find peace and happiness and drama-free giggles. It is all I have ever wanted. Plus, I love his family. Why would I ever put that at risk? Doing something to him is disrespectful to them.
I want to get to a point where we are talking again. I really do. I want to get to a point where I can login, see his name wherever I go, and not feel my heart ache like it does now. I want to get to a place where we can see each other again.
Until then, I have to stay away from places I would normally frequent as I am not ready yet. The ache hasn’t dulled enough.