And I’m awake…..
To be fair, I did go to sleep about 7:30pm tonight. We went out to eat – something we have rarely done over the past several months – to celebrate my first paycheck in months. That was, I will have to say, a great feeling. Depositing that check. Funny how that works.
We ate – toasted the fact we made it through this stress. We made it through together. We made it through ourselves. We made it through with only minor damage – damage that, as a friend said, could be buffed out as it was nothing more than a scuff.
So, I ate – came home, curled up in bed, and passed out. Until 1am.
I should have made myself stay up, but to be honest, I came home at 5:30pm – curled up on the couch under a blanket, and almost fell asleep then. I was just done – physically and emotionally done.
I need a reboot.
Where is that button?
So, what’s been going through my head?
Work. I have a dozen things I have to do each day – administrative stuff. I have my hands around it – but can’t help but mentally go over what I have done just to make sure. I’m watching everyone freak out – and I’m not. So I worry a bit that I am missing something.
Then my head goes through the finances in the house. What needs to get taken care of? What is the priority now that we have income? Indigo’s birthday is coming up. Christmas is coming. I’m not as prepared for either as I have been in the past. Yes, I am odd – I usually have gifts stashed by now. I guess I’m just acutely aware of how easily the income can be lost – so I’m also trying to sort out how to rebuild the safety net. Yeah, lots of activity in the brain around that one.
Then I have some other things I’ve been noodling. Things I’m sick of thinking about – sick of talking about. Things I know I’ve now internalized. But, I feel like I need to do it. I feel like I’ve been in such a crazy headspace lately – a crazy space that has escaped my head too many times over the last few months – that I need to just keep things in my own head for a while.
And I hate that feeling. I hate that my instinct is to pull back. I hate that I am doing what I had proudly gotten away from doing over the past couple years. Funny how old habits kick in. Sigh.
Too much thinking.
Where is that off-switch?
And can my brain stop commiserating with my heart? I need it to remain logical so I can sleep.
I wish I could do this instead:
Or maybe I just need to do this….