Mess

Hi. I’m a mess.

I have no insight.

I have no answers.

I have only one thing – fear of the uncertainty.

Fear that I will not get the job.

Fear that the last of the savings will go away…

And I will be flying without a safety net.

Fear that I will fail

At 38 years old.

For the first time.

There is a first time for everything.

I don’t deal well with fear.

I don’t deal well with things I cannot control.

I don’t deal well with …. well, failure.

And what I don’t really deal well with?

Support.

People around me who understand,

Who want to help

Who know I’m not doing well

And get pushy

And offer me support that I don’t usually need or expect,

But usually provide.

Layer in some PMS, and I’m just a big fucking mess.

Each time I find center

Find a way to cope,

I lose it.

Because of this damn fear.

I’m used to being the shoulder,

Not needing a shoulder.

Right now, I need a shoulder.

I need a hug.

I need someone to tell me it will be okay.

I need someone to tell me that tomorrow, the sun will still rise,

It will still shine.

And life will keep going regardless of what happens.

I need pushy.

I need a spanking.

I need a cuddle.

I need something to make me unwind.

I am trying to breathe.

Trying to hold onto the optimism of others.

But the fear – the worry –

It’s killing me.

I need to not be a cynic.

But it’s the last of my armor that remains.

I want to believe, but to do so is to make myself more vulnerable than ever.

Not sure I’m ready for that yet.

But ready or not, here I come.

Blah.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Joker_SATX says:

    There are many of us who sit in your shoes daily. And it was my father who put it perspective for me…

    He said, “Joker, right now at this very second there are about 5 billion Chinese who don’t give a rats ass about your problems.”

    ….and I thought to myself, “that many huh?”

    Have faith chica….have faith.

  2. Topaz says:

    I try to take the same tact and Joker, yet that others have their own problems doesn’t stop the fear inside, does it?

    Be happy you have the loved ones who want to support. For the PMS – I got nothing. It hits me badly too, but I’m guessing those who care to help you will overlook that – you’re allowed lose it a little when you have less control than you want.

    And the control that you have? You’re doing all you can to change your situation, right? Don’t forget how your accomplishments contribute to your current efforts..

  3. Osbasso says:

    You have too much time on your hands to be thinking about all this stuff. Spend the rest of the day doing what Maggie would do–look for the sunny parts!

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