Pattern

I miss him sometimes.

It’s that simple.

And I think that is what I miss – the simple.

I miss the energy we shared. I missed the eagerness he had to see me. The fact he would go out of his way to make me feel special to him. I miss the care he would give me.  Hearing I was sick was a reason to make sure I wasn’t alone – not a reason to stay away.  I miss that feeling that I would have – that I was special to someone.

I often wonder if the reason I felt this way was because our relationship was surface only.  Sex, kink, and small talk.  Nothing big was ever talked about.  I never felt he really knew the Emmy others know.  He knew the basics. He knew enough.  Nothing more – nothing less.  He enjoyed the illusion as did I.  I never had any delusions of that.

He was my vacation and I was his.

I guess I’ve been missing him recently because I don’t feel special to anyone right now.  I feel like I’m a means to an end.  I feel like those who know me don’t have any eagerness around spending time with me.  I feel they know too much. They know I’ll be fine.   I’ll be there when they want me. I’ll think to much before cutting them off.  I’ll care too much to just walk away.

Every relationship I have had where they have known me has led to this point.

On one hand, it make me say ‘fuck ’em – I don’t need that.”

On the other hand, it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me.

Because I am beginning to see a pretty significant pattern.

A pattern I don’t like.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Aurore says:

    Please stop writing posts that hit too close to home.

    Right now, I’m wrestling with a similar pattern. There is nothing wrong with you even though you can make your heart and mind heavy with thoughts of what keeps people away – it makes those that choose to be near you that much more precious.

  2. OsShirt says:

    If it helps…I think you’re pretty special!

  3. Topaz says:

    Knowing how analytical you and I both are, when you see the pattern you begin to unravel until you find something. But please keep an open mind. It always takes two – just remember that. And though the ‘special’ feeling may not come from playmates, you clearly have it in the more important relationships in your life. Just keep that in mind as you pull at the strings…

    **hugs**

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