Communication is hard.
For many, you are probably thinking “no shit, its hard!”
I feel like my ability to communication clearly has been taken from me. Many times, I can set aside my feelings and emotional reactions and focus solely on the issue at the root of the snafu, but recently I have not been able to do it.
My emotions and feelings cloud things up to the point where I am fighting with myself. Where I am unable to articulate without feeling like I’m an overly emotional baboon who would find it easier to fling poo than any other reaction.
Wow – that was an accidental visual….
Anyway, my point – I have a point – my point is that my inability to reconcile my emotions has caused me to be a bumbling idiot. I’m happy if I can say “I’m upset” let alone tack on “because you said something to someone else that clearly paints me to be an unrealistic bitch who denies you fun. Can we discuss what led to that feeling and how we can have an honest discussion about it in the future, so we can avoid this senseless drama?”
Instead, in a situation like that one, I am in “Hulk mad” mode. I can’t think straight. I can’t set aside my emotions and talk. I’m not really able to talk. I’m numbed by the emotion.
G and I have been having some, shall we call it, misunderstands lately. We are out of synch. He is doing his thing. I am doing mine. We are not doing our thing together. And our responses to each other have not been helpful. Usually I am the more communicative one. I am the one who is good at stopping the madness and sitting us at the table for an honest talk. Recently, not so much.
Of course, this just keeps the cycle going.
I think we recently hit a break through when I had a lucid moment and asked the right question.
I hope it means we are on an upswing.
I need an upswing.
I am coming to realize my issue lately is that I need to share my emotions. I need to put myself more emotionally out there with people. But doing so is risky. To do it is to be vulnerable in a way I am normally not. And in a way I am not comfortable being. It means being rejected or blown off. Or it could mean being loved and accepted. But, of course, the brain never goes there. It sticks with the “probably rejected and blown off”. And that is too risky, so I back off.
And try not to explode.
I have a good friend of mine who is like that. She rarely (read never) shows vulnerability. Recently, she did – and was weirded out by it. You could see her internal struggle to keep it together and not let it out. Eventually over the course of the five hours together, is came out.