Careless Ramblings

on

Hi. It’s Friday and I’m still computer less. The good news is that I’m twitching less. And I’m finally getting the hang of the iPad.

But I miss my computer. I have photos and video to download and post. Sigh.

Yesterday I had my call with SG. The news was as expected. No more play between us. But in his ramblings he called me careless in my own play which is why he feels it is too risky.

I am a woman who has been known to stop play to replace the condom myself when in the moment a guy fucks it up and tries to keep going. I disclose more info than some feel is needed just because I think it’s careless not to do it. Yet careless is the word he used.

There are certain words that people can use that elicit an internal response. A response that is one of self examination first. Yeah, he hit one of mine.

Thanks for folks on twitter, G, Lili, Domenico, Mexi and others, I got over the sting. The situation is sad, but it is what it is. I can’t change it, and I don’t blame him for the decision he made. It’s bigger than just him. Still sucks none the less. I only wish he had done it without making it feel like I did something wrong – like I was personally to blame and not the situation. But often it’s harder to accept that an abstract thing is to blame like circumstance so it’s easier to blame the person.

People come into your life for a reason. For me, SG introduced me to kinks I didn’t know I had. For that I am grateful. He also gave me a flavor for what poly could look like and how it could work. For that, I am grateful.

But the page has turned. I love where i am today. I love the people in my life. I love the way the relationships fit. I love the continued exploration of me. And I like how I’m becoming part of a community. It is such a different experience from when we were swinging – one that is more in line with what we were hoping for – for what I was hoping for.

Nothing is ever easy. Growth hurts. But if the direction you are growing to is a good one, you can tolerate those growing pains. Or at least I can.

It helps when there are people helping wipe away the tears and offering hands.

I am truly blessed.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Sailor says:

    Growth can hurt, true- but good for you, to have the people around to help, and to know yourself better.

  2. Joker_SATX says:

    OK, I must have missed something but I am glad you are OK and moving forward.

  3. Topaz says:

    I hope he said ‘careless’ out of hurt and nothing more. I hope he wishes he could retract it now that there is more rational and less emotional upon reflection. Your appreciation of what the relationship brought and where you are now is most important. I can’t agree with you more that growth hurts. You echo my feelings from my current post as well – it’s hard, but damn it if it ain’t worth it.

    ~hugs~

What do you think?