Siting in my corner, looking at the wet paint surrounding me, it became really clear, really fast what I had done. While planning and scheming and trying to make everyone’s desires come to fruition, I made one seemingly minor mistake – I forgot me.
I didn’t forget me, per-say. I made this major assumption that I was a constant in the equation not a variable. A minor difference if the variable rarely changes, but a pretty major one when it does change with warning.
And in my case, it did just that..
My assumption was actually a risk. A risk never considered. Because had the assumption worked – had things been a constant and not the variable, all would have been well – and I wouldn’t be sitting in this corner waiting for the paint to dry.
So here I sit, kicking myself for once again not considering myself. Flattered that everyone would assume I was taking myself into consideration in the planning, but secretively wishing that someone had raised the issue – looked at things holistically from their side and pointed out my possible misstep. In the end, I am responsible for me – so it is mine to own.
It is just hard – as I’m sitting around waiting for the paint to dry so I can escape my corner – to not play things over in my mind. To not wonder about things – wonder if my expectations should have been different – wonder about my own self worth in the mix of things.
Maybe it is just having too much time – but painting one’s self into a corner allows the brain to ask questions I’m not ready to hear – not ready to hear answers for. It gives too much quiet allowing that small voice to be heard – that voice that has no value in the conversation. Unless there is some value in illogical, overly emotional thinking – which there rarely is.
I need to make sure this does not happen again. Not quite sure how to do that though. Because sitting here in the corner, I’m feeling rather extraneous at the moment. That I bring nothing to the table. Feelings I want to ignore – but time ticks slowly, and I’m me – so I’m giving those thoughts too much weight and too much time in my head.
So maybe the corner is the only place for me for a while. Maybe this time I will learn my lesson – don’t paint yourself into a corner with situations.
A nice idea, but I doubt I will learn this time either.