An Off Switch

My brain needs one.

Several times this week, I have been up with insomnia.  Like tonight – or, shall I say, this morning, It’s 3:41am, and I’m wide awake.  Just me and the cat on the couch with Netflix listening to the rain fall outside.

I tried reading. I tried masturbating. I tried jumping my husband.  Nothing is working, so I gave up and got up instead.

Clearly, my brain isn’t done sorting things out. And while laying in bed – awake – again, it’s hard not to sort through too much – climbing ladder of assumptions – wondering how to just shut off the feelings – and the thoughts – and the crap in my head.

It all comes down to my feelings.  It’s hard to have them and try to articulate them without infusing them in hurt. I want understanding, but I’m not the easiest communicator when I’m not happy.

Correction – get me angry – and I’m good. I’ll be the most concise communicator then.  Happy – I can also do.

The others just fuck with me while I try to get to the root of the issue.  And that is usually my issue – I can’t easily find the root cause.  I want my feelings to work like problem solving at work – clear concise plan of how to get to the root cause.  At least a method.  But, writing about it isn’t working.  And talking about it – well – I keep fucking that up, so I’m kind of done trying that at this point – at least until I’ve got it figured out.  My brain dumps just create more confusion and hard feelings, I think.

So, per usual, I am here at 4:05am now, trying to write about something that I’m not sure what to write about.  And not wanting to do a brain dump of everything because – well, that will cause other issues I’m sure.  Like I said, communicating before I understand it myself tends to go sideways – or at least that is how it feels.

I guess I just wish I could figure out what it will take to just shut it off for a while. Just BE for a while. I mean, I had a pretty good day overall.

My mom decided that my jeep has a wench on it.  After my dad and I regained our ability to speak and picked ourselves up off the ground, we took the jeep out for a drive.  She needs a tune-up at some point, but he was as impressed as I have been with how good the engine sounds.  He also pointed out some minor things that are missing – and gave ideas of where/how to find them.  I suspect he is now on a quest of his own for things.

The parents of DJ’s friend joined forces with G in the “we need bees” campaign.  They have several hives now – and took us back to show us the new additions to the bee family.  As we are standing in between several of their hives now with bees flying around us, I realized that until we get bees of our own – that this campaign is only going to intensify.  I also discovered that a friend from my last job taught me more about beekeeping that I realized as I was answering G’s questions about them.

Indigo has decided she wants to learn to pogo down the front cement steps.  I’m wondering at what point we will be taking her to the ER for head-injury-on-cement #3.  At least we now know that outward swelling is good – no swelling is very bad.  Should avoid an expensive popsicle we got on visit #2.  She can go down 2 steps so far – or so she demonstrated yesterday.

My dad told DJ that he wants to get a bumper sticker made for his car – “My granddaughter can beat up your grandson” with a picture of a girl with a black-belt doing a kick or something.  G knows someone who can make it for him.

Ok – I’m going to go try to sleep.  Or not.  We’ll see.  
Insomnia sucks.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Insomnia does suck, but some times its very productive.

    I am not for keeping bees, but I have a slight allergy to bee stings.

  2. Fusion says:

    I read once that a person should look at insomnia as a gift, as long as it isn’t given too often. When I can’t sleep I don’t fight it, I just get up and work on my photo editing/uploading, reading, or catch up on my DVR watching it seems I never have time for. Invariably I get sleepy again and get a few more z’s. Basically I don’t get angry that I can’t sleep. Hopefully you finally got a bit more rest.

  3. Aurore says:

    I am sorry you can’t seem to get things out the way you need to. Maybe it just needs to ferment a little more. It will come to you sooner or later – I’m hoping for the former.

    As for the beekeeping…a co-worker of mine tried it and all his bees flew away.

  4. Joker_SATX says:

    You are not alone. I have been getting up at early hours of the morning…..I wonder what is going on? Maybe it’s the gravitational pull of the Moon?

What do you think?