I don’t have them very often, but yesterday was my day to wig out about stuff. The night before, G and I had a conversation that left a bad taste in my mouth. I had some other things on my mind about work and life in general that seemed to invite Mr Insomnia (that bastard) into my evening. I ranted to a friend. I read my book. I watched something mindless. No avail. Finally about 2:30am, I fell asleep just so my alarm could go off at 6am.
I was still not happy. It was like my dreams were filled with more noodling on the things driving me a little nutty, and my subconscious added a few more things to the party. Why not, right? The more, the merrier?
I got my coffee, grabbed my stuff, and headed to work. I was feeling not like myself which is never a good sign. By 7:30, I had more coffee than most have all day. In retrospect, that is never a good formula for me – lots ‘o coffee + insomnia almost always results in my filter between my brain and my mouth being tossed out the window.
My filter usually keeps my inside voice, well, inside my brain where it belongs. It usually filters out the comments that inevitably have ramifications later. In short, it reminds me when to keep my mouth shut by keeping my issues to myself and not dumping them on others (or accidentally putting forth that perception).
Add on top of all of this fun the fact that almost immediately I started hearing “well, we tried to convince them but failed” from everyone at work. The company I have been contracting with has been promising me a job opportunity for a while now – extended my contract several times to make sure they could get the job position open for me. A week from the end of my current contract, they have no position – no money to extend the contract – but plenty of work for me to do. Most people are working their ass off to keep me here to help make this into a real IT apps organization. But, no one sees value apparently. Nothing like hearing that repeatedly on a day where the filter is gone, no sleep has really been had, my brain has a list of grievances, and too much coffee has been consumed.
Yeah, collision course.
I won’t go into all of the details, but I felt like I pretty much stepped in it with everyone. Most of it was all good – stuff I probably should have said before – but would have said differently in another frame of mind. It did result in some good conversations about somethings. In the end, all was good – but the means by which I got there was, well, not my favorite.
Despite the fact, I know it reassured others that I can have days like these.
What a turn to the week – a week that started off so reflective and positive.
Someone asked me the other day if I was going to write more about the weekend. More details of things, if you will. Given I try to say away from the blow-by-blow details and focus instead on moments that stand out for me, I don’t think so. Not to say there were not any other moments that were fabulous – cause there were many – but they are all snippets of things.
Like after the party on Saturday, coming back home with my date, curled up on the couch, sipping beers in the dark, as we talked about our night in whispers as to not wake the others in the house – both of us trying to come down from the experience of the night so we could sleep.
Or the puppy pile nap we had in our bed the next afternoon. King sized beds (and doors with locks) rock as it was a great way to end the weekend with four bodies in various states of dress, curled up in a big pile, connected and relaxed and happy. I know we are all still smiling at the few hours we spent like that as it was a great way to wrap up the weekend.
There are others – many others – but those are mine to smile at when I think about them.
I doubt I will be sharing – sorry,
A they are my own happy thoughts, if you will.
One Comment Add yours
i’m sorry to hear about the job situation. but i have a huge amount of admiration for someone who seems to find beauty in all the shit happening around them. good for you for being that person 🙂