Exhausted

on

I won’t lie.

I haven’t felt like writing lately.

Hell, taking photos has been something I’m forcing myself to do.

I’ve kind of wondered where my muse has gone.

Usually I have idea after idea kinda bubbling below the surface.  And in some cases, I do have some ideas. I have partially written posts that are sitting there gathering dust.  Hell, I even have a few posts written, that I can’t bring myself to public.  I have reasons for it.  Reasons I don’t want to get into on the blog.  Just realizing how much its impacting my ability to write.

I don’t do strife well.

For some people this may be a surprise. Why? Because I’m good at it.  But, my ability to handle it and deal with in no way means I like it – I do not enjoy it. It stresses me out in greater ways than people, even people close to me, may realize.  I’m good at compartmentalizing it.

Layer on top of it the other stuff – the life stuff, and I’m wholly uninspired.

Work is a big political game of fun.  My job officially ends at the end of the month.  The promises of extensions and/or a hire have gone by the wayside, or so it seems.  As my boss said to me this morning, he hates putting me on edge with this one given it is his battle to fight, he just doesn’t want to see me unprepared for the worst.

So, I’m dealing with the political strife while worrying about my own personal impact to the bullshit.  Which means I come home emotionally exhausted.

Oh, and in case I haven’t mentioned – I need a fucking vacation.  While I know I may be getting one at the end of the month – a forced one – I am a person who needs 1-2 weeks every year to escape and recharge.  If I don’t get it, I am rarely in a good place mentally.  Hmmm…..maybe there is a correlation.

Outside of work, I feel like my schedule is not my own.  My schedule is there for others to schedule. Rarely do I feel asked if my time is available – or what I want to do with it.  When I am, it’s refreshing.  Typically, I am happy if I get the info – all the info – letting me know what exactly is going on.

I don’t like surprises. I like having the ability to say ‘no’. Right now, I’m along for the ride. And I’m a horrible passenger. But my conflict goes back to the above strife comment. How much do I want to deal with? So, I have been sitting back trying like crazy to keep my mouth shut.

All of these things are contributing to my lack of enthusiasm for anything. An old mentor of mine talked about emotional and mental exhaustion.  He could always tell when he had it. It meant he was sitting at home, in front of a tv channel he never watches, totally zoned out.  He had the energy to go out and work on his car, his favorite hobby, but no mental power to make it happen.  He just needed to stare at a blank screen or do something mindless for a while.

And like him, I do not like that feeling.
I have to figure out how to change this one.
Because I miss my muse.
And I don’t like what is replacing her.

7 Comments Add yours

  1. Osbasso says:

    Force yourself to come here for a few days. I can give you all the boredom and zoning out that you could want to handle!

  2. Joker_SATX says:

    I can so relate to this post…

  3. Vixen says:

    I’m sorry. I hope you find her soon. Or at the very least, feel less weighed down.

    *hugs*

  4. waywardrider says:

    I could have written this post, but apparently didn’t due to lack of mental capacity after a long day’s/week’s/month’s/year’s work…

    I too despise surprises, and am a horrible passenger. I feel the same exhaustion as you, and share the ‘my time is not my time’ frustrations. I sit in front of the TV too often and just zone out. I too need to find my muse and recharge somehow.

    Perhaps we can use each other to figure this out and keep us honest? I find I am much better at things when I am accountable to someone else… but of course that encroaches right into the “my time” issue. Hmmm… I don’t have a good answer here. But I guess you can find solace in the fact that you aren’t alone.

  5. Mr. Smith says:

    Heavy – for what its it worth – I “lurk” your awesome “vanilla” pictures. Your one of my muses (musi??) in that area. Your angles and focus are unique and special. I think your quite talented.

    Aside – Raven and I r head to Vegas this weekend – wanna join? 😉

    Seriously – “this too will pass”

  6. You really need a break. Take a blog break and plan a vacation. You deserve it.

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