A Shift in Thinking

I’ve kind of hit this point where I don’t really care if people know about the open marriage that G and I have.  While I am not going to go out and broadcast it, I am far from hiding it anymore.

I realized I had hit this point a few months ago when our friends were staying with us for the weekend – and we were all sans kids.  G had forgotten his house key thus locking he and his playmate out of the house.  We drove back to the house, tossed them my key, and told them to have fun as we were getting a beer at our favorite bar a few blocks away.  Then off we went, arm in arm, in front of our longtime neighbors and everything – in the middle of the day.  I didn’t even think about it until we came back holding hands – middle of the afternoon. I still didn’t care, but was taken back by the fact I was aware I didn’t care.

When we first started swinging,  it was all about being discrete.  Very few couples would have any sex talks in a bar or restaurant.  Most people we knew were so insanely hell bent on keeping the swingers in their life away from their “real lives” that it was almost insulting especially when the goal on everyone’s profiles and conversations was to “find friends with benefits”.  Great, you found the benefits, but how can you be friends too? In many cases, I took that friends part as meaning, “the conversation before we fuck won’t turn me off by insulting or annoying me, so let’s go fuck”.

What we both started learning pretty quickly though was that the people we connected with the most – the people we had fun with the most in the bedroom – we had a great connection with outside of the bedroom.  These became people we cared about.  We talked about our days. We talked about woes. We had hot, kinky sex whenever we got together.  We had family meals. We checked in on each other when sick.  We were truly friends.

The trend I noticed overall is that the kinkier the men (and women) I connected with, the better friends we seemed to be.  I liked that trend because I found two things.  The first is that they knew how to push my boundaries in ways most could not in the past.  The second which is related to the first is that they could read me because they knew me.  This allowed me to trust them in ways I didn’t trust most playmates.  I knew they would not knowingly hurt me. I knew that they would check in if they were unsure. I knew a safe word would never be needed because they could tell by tone of voice, body language, etc if I was done or not comfortable.  And with one person, he seems to know exactly when I know.  He is a perceptive fellow.

As these people started being fixtures in my life – fixtures next to the vanilla people that were also there – fixtures next to the family – I started realizing how little I cared if someone found out.  Being caught at a Twisted Party by coworkers, I seriously found it funny.  Two years ago, I would have freaked.  Today, I don’t care at all.

Making out in a crowded bar in a booth with someone other than my husband? Yes please.  I don’t even think about running into someone I know.  I’ll cross that bridge if it comes.  Kinky, sexy talk there too? If we are overheard, I’m sure we are giving someone one hell of a story to tell their friends later about what they overheard in the bar.

We had a longtime friend figure out we were open.  It’s led to some great conversations.  Our roommate and good friend who still reads my blog found out, and loves reading the escapades.  He shared his with me.

This weekend, I’ll be talking to a longtime friend about everything. She and her husband (as I found out) are also open – newly open from the looks of it.  I know she would freak out if she stumbled across us on her own, so I’m going to lay it on the table as no big deal.  Because, to me, it isn’t a big deal.

I guess it is this experience with people finding out coupled with the fact it is our relationship – not anyone else’s – that has shifted my thinking.   Who knows. I do know there is something freeing about it.  I like that feeling.

15 Comments Add yours

  1. Babe Lincoln says:

    Good for you guys! It has to be a relief to worry less about the whole “double life” thing.

  2. Bella says:

    This is an incredibly interesting topic to me. I love this post. We aren’t there yet but its got to be the most freeing feeling ever.

  3. waywardrider says:

    I absolutely adore the honesty in this post. The truth it holds. I’m personally shifting towards the same attitude, though for differing reasons (mainly for me, it is about not hiding who I am… I say as I write under an anonymous account… obviously I’m not wholly there yet, but that is where the trend is taking me as I grow. My wife has always been much more of a private person than I, so her shift is far less obvious to anyone where mine is a bit more visible).

    There’s something else that warms my heart about this post, but I can’t quite figure it out… perhaps it is the underlying happiness in your own growth that makes me smile to see. Perhaps it is something else… who knows 😉

  4. That Girl says:

    i also love this post, and would love to be able to come clean with my friends and family about how i really feel.

    i hate this double life but right now i feel it’s necessary.

    the one thing that i would worry about in your situation however is work mates. because no matter how tolerable some people are about lifestyle differences there will always be some that would just not accept it.

    do you fear that it might have a negative effect on your work or do you even care.

    i am so very happy for you tho.

  5. Ashly Star says:

    I love how honest you are. 🙂

    Great post and I’m happy for you. I hope that any friends or acquaintances that find out in the future are respectful and don’t act like assholes towards you. I admire your ability to be so carefree about something that most people stress out so much about. 🙂

  6. Hubman says:

    There are certain institutions within society that are much more (or less) accepting of open relationships such as yours and G’s (and mine and Veronica’s). I’m thinking of my employer and of G’s. Is there any concern about his employer finding out and possible repercussions?

  7. Hubman says:

    You know what I have said first?

    I’m jealous. I had a playmate over this morning, I didn’t feel comfortable properly kissing her goodbye outside by her car, told her that would have to happen in the house…

  8. Advizor54 says:

    As we grow more comfortable “in our own skin”, to use a cliche, we decide who we need to worry about. if I don’t trust someone’s opinion, or acare about it, why should I let them bother me with it.

    I do right by those i care about, and the rest can go jump in a lake.

  9. I think it’s awesome you’ve reached a point where you feel comfortable.

  10. Emmy says:

    Babe Lincoln – I hate the double life thing. I like how things are closing between my lives. 🙂

    Bella – I do believe it is an evolution of sorts. One that sort of snuck up on me/us.

    Waywardrider – Your comment made me smile. 🙂

    That Girl – Like I mention early on, I’m not going out and broadcasting it to everyone. My family, for example, will not likely know given their religious beliefs. However, they will likely know the people in my life including those who are the special friends. I’m not going keep everyone from being mixed up. As for work, I am not too worried there. The company is very VERY open minded – and I think the three people I ran into there were more freaked out that I caught them than they were of catching me.

    AshlyStar – Thanks! 🙂 I hope so too. Then again, if they are jerks about it, they probably weren’t that great of friends, IMO.

    Hubman – Neither one of us are worried about his job. As long as we aren’t out there trying to be the public face, there really isn’t a lot that can be said. We realized that even before we were open, we were still affectionate with our friends – hugs and kisses. Seemed odd we were not that way with our special friends in public. I think that’s what got us over the hump.

    Advizor54 – I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment. 🙂

    Minority Report – Thanks! It does feel good.

  11. I’m glad that you and G feel comfortable being open. We still have a way to go in that respect and probably will for awhile.

  12. Mr. Chien says:

    I think that’s the way it should be with friends with benefits, I’m more into the sex when her and i are actually friends and talk outside of the bedroom.

  13. Chapter Two says:

    i am with others. the job would be the problem. his place of work would have issue

  14. Amazing timing of this post, as I spent 5 days with Bella and was with her when you posted this, and we were having this exact conversation. Thanks for sharing. Compelling stuff. C-Man.

  15. Joker_SATX says:

    This is awesome! My issue with doing something like this is family…Some in my family are real assholes who like to cause pain for others…

    I admire the fact that you go past your family in order to live this free….

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