So apparently, I found out last night, the family Christmas plans do not include me or my family. My brother called me last night while I was sitting in a bar waiting for a friend to arrive and told me this tidbit. “Don’t take it personally”, he said as I tried to get him to understand what my next few weeks were like. I have a project that goes live on 1/1/2011. So the next 11 days are hell. And with each explanation, he commented that it was no different from what everyone else is going through. Pushing my comments aside as though I don’t matter.
Except I’m 3hrs away with a mountain pass between me and them. They are all within 20 minutes with bad weather between them.
I can’t explain the hurt I felt. Clearly they viewed my reasons for struggling to find a time to visit as mere excuses. Then to layer on top of it the fact that I’m just depriving the kids of this Christmas with their uncles and grandparents. “You know, these are the real memories – its’ not about us” he said. Like I said to him, he’s acting as though we all live 5 minutes away from each other – like it was when we were growing up when our aunts, uncles and cousins lived that close. How fucking unfair is that.
But I’m the difficult one. I truly don’t fucking care anymore.
Correction, I DO fucking care – it is why I’m not happy with it.
Layer on top of it the fact that they act as though I don’t understand how it is to be without the entire family for Christmas. I – the person who has been out here since 1995 – been out here with G and without family until 2007 when the family moved out here. Yeah, I don’t know how it is to be sans family for the holidays.
I’m starting to miss those stress free days.
So after hearing a lot about how I shouldn’t worry about it. After hearing a lecture from my little bro about how I’m the one taking things personally. I find his comment to this quote I posted on my Facebook status:
“Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.” ~ Dilbert
His comment: “What are you doing for Christmas? I’m feeling like that statue.”
Well fuck you, little brother.
Fuck you all.
I have lived out here for years without the support you all have. I have had to make do with friend. With people who truly care about us and what we are going through. That understand that sometimes things don’t work out the way you hope they do.
‘Cause clearly I am the statue where they are concerned.
And I have better things to be.
Merry Fucking Christmas.