I woke up Friday morning with the dream I had been having still playing in my head. I learned a long time ago that when I remember dreams it is my subconscious trying to tell me to pay attention to something. It’s a feeling I’m burying trying to get out. I don’t often dream – and if I do, I rarely remember them. So, waking up to one was a bit unusual for me. And having it hang around in the back of my head throughout the day is extremely unusual for me.

Another unusual Emmy fact – I have recurring dreams – the exact same ones over and over and over again until I figure out what I’m trying to figure out. In fact, mid-dream, I will realize as I’m in the middle of doing whatever it is I’m doing in the dream that I am, in fact, dreaming. Then I kind of follow along – knowing what will happen next and having no fear about the dream as my recurring dreams are never very happy-go-lucky in nature.

Recently, my recurring dream has been about how I – for whatever reason – find myself alone. The people important to me just start disappearing – dying off suddenly for whatever reason. As those near me start dwindling – I realized how utterly alone I am. I find others, but none that quite get me as others have. And everyone I do find – they are all dealing with the same issues. We are no good to each other in terms of comfort.

I lived with a psych major in college for a while – and she would love my recurring dreams. Many a college paper was written about my dreams as the head of the department did a bunch of different dream interpretation sessions in his classes. As a result, I am pretty good at figuring out what I’m trying to tell myself.

Alone is easy – it means alone. No surprise there. Dying means something is changing in terms of a relationship close to me. Dying never means true death except if you want to get all metaphorical and say the old relationship has died and a new one is born. There is no judgment of good or bad – just change.

I’ve had this dream three times in the last couple weeks. I look at the people who “die” in the dream, and they are no surprise really. I mean, in all cases, I feel like relationships with them are changing – and in many cases, not in the way I want or wish. In all cases, I acknowledge there is nothing I can do about it. I have done what I can do – said what I need to say – and am now left waiting. I have nothing else I can really do. And while I know this intellectually – it’s still hard. It’s hard for me – someone who is always believes more can be done – a person who doesn’t give up – in essence, giving up or at least giving into the fact it isn’t something one side can solve alone.

Clearly – despite my intellectual side understanding this – my brain is trying to tell me that I can’t just bury it. Cause it’s there – and will be until I truly resolve it….somehow  Or at least that’s how this has worked in the past.

At least in the past, my recurring dreams were exciting. This one is  just – well – fucking depressing.