THIS is my problem.
I was raised to believe that you should treat people as you would want to be treated. Not a bad lesson for life – a great one in fact.
….we all knew there was a “but”…..
I don’t always get treated back the same way by people.
I have often spoken about times when I get so fucking frustrated with people in my world. The mind zombies – the ones that go around act and behave in such a way that it just eats your brain trying to figure out what or how they think that ‘s okay. They spin you around so much that your head wants to fucking explode sometimes.
My family – the ones that send mixed messages. My brothers who in their 30s still play the “but she got it” game without looking at the “how” part of how Emmy got it. Nor do they treat me the same way I treat them.
I have friends who run to me for a shoulder to cry on, but disappear after that. Or they run to me to brag about things, then disappear. I’m simply a sounding board. As horrible as it sounds, many of them wouldn’t return the favor.
I have always prided myself on having a few people in my life who will treat me the way I treat them. Who will offer a shoulder just as I would offer them mine. Who listens and is patient (or act as such) just like I hope I do for them.
My husband is usually never in this category, but let’s just say we hit a bump (twice) where he found himself in the category of “those people” in my life. Instead of being the exception like normal. I don’t normally talk about the rough patches in our relationship as it is not me. Plus, more importantly, it is not fair to him.
….and you knew there would be one….
I’m a bit wounded by this last one.
Communication is a beautiful thing – if it is two way. Your spouse or partner or whatever you want to call the love of your life can sometimes stumble just like you can with them. We can all sometimes forget that listening is more than just a “keep your mouth shut” exercise. And that communication isn’t always words coming out of your mouth. It is the body language and inflection as well as silence.
While we are now on the same page.
While things are back to normal.
One things is not for me – my own reaction to the situation.
When others in my life do this, I say ‘fuck ’em’ and pull back. I avoid the situations where the drama gets generated especially when confrontation isn’t possible or doesn’t make sense. I simple retreat into a position where I can control things. Because, my friends, I am a control freak if I can. (A huge irony for those who know me in the biblical sense.)
Here’s the problem – I can’t do it this time.
My normal response is not possible. I can’t blow him off. I can’t write him off. I can’t put him into a position where I deal with him when I feel like it. Okay, I could – but not if the marriage is to stay in tact. (It’s not at risk. Don’t worry there, but me reacting in these ways would surely put it at risk.)
So while I forgive the situation
While I see that we are together fixing the communication issue that was the problem
I have to get back in the game and play it just like I had before it happened. An approach I haven’t had to take before except in actual sports situations.
This is hard for me. Not because I don’t trust him. Because I don’t trust myself.
Thankfully, I do have some people who are looking out for me. My husband included.
No one ever claimed personal growth was easy, right
(And in case anyone wonders: Garbanzo approves this message. Didn’t want anyone thinking I published this without his full awareness. It’s funny because he said, after I let him read it, that he understands my internal conflict a bit better than he did beforehand. So, it was cathartic AND educational.)