Expectations, Communication and Growth – Oh, My!

THIS is my problem.

I was raised to believe that you should treat people as you would want to be treated. Not a bad lesson for life – a great one in fact.


….we all knew there was a “but”…..

I don’t always get treated back the same way by people.

I have often spoken about times when I get so fucking frustrated with people in my world. The mind zombies – the ones that go around act and behave in such a way that it just eats your brain trying to figure out what or how they think that ‘s okay. They spin you around so much that your head wants to fucking explode sometimes.

My family – the ones that send mixed messages. My brothers who in their 30s still play the “but she got it” game without looking at the “how” part of how Emmy got it. Nor do they treat me the same way I treat them.

I have friends who run to me for a shoulder to cry on, but disappear after that. Or they run to me to brag about things, then disappear. I’m simply a sounding board. As horrible as it sounds, many of them wouldn’t return the favor.

I have always prided myself on having a few people in my life who will treat me the way I treat them. Who will offer a shoulder just as I would offer them mine. Who listens and is patient (or act as such) just like I hope I do for them.

My husband is usually never in this category, but let’s just say we hit a bump (twice) where he found himself in the category of “those people” in my life. Instead of being the exception like normal.  I don’t normally talk about the rough patches in our relationship as it is not me. Plus, more importantly, it is not fair to him.


….and you knew there would be one….

I’m a bit wounded by this last one.

Communication is a beautiful thing – if it is two way. Your spouse or partner or whatever you want to call the love of your life can sometimes stumble just like you can with them. We can all sometimes forget that listening is more than just a “keep your mouth shut” exercise. And that communication isn’t always words coming out of your mouth. It is the body language and inflection as well as silence.

While we are now on the same page.
While things are back to normal.
One things is not for me – my own reaction to the situation.

When others in my life do this, I say ‘fuck ’em’ and pull back. I avoid the situations where the drama gets generated especially when confrontation isn’t possible or doesn’t make sense. I simple retreat into a position where I can control things. Because, my friends, I am a control freak if I can. (A huge irony for those who know me in the biblical sense.)

Here’s the problem – I can’t do it this time.
My normal response is not possible. I can’t blow him off. I can’t write him off. I can’t put him into a position where I deal with him when I feel like it. Okay, I could – but not if the marriage is to stay in tact. (It’s not at risk. Don’t worry there, but me reacting in these ways would surely put it at risk.)

So while I forgive the situation
While I see that we are together fixing the communication issue that was the problem
I have to get back in the game and play it just like I had before it happened. An approach I haven’t had to take before except in actual sports situations.

This is hard for me. Not because I don’t trust him. Because I don’t trust myself.
Thankfully, I do have some people who are looking out for me. My husband included.
No one ever claimed personal growth was easy, right

(And in case anyone wonders: Garbanzo approves this message. Didn’t want anyone thinking I published this without his full awareness. It’s funny because he said, after I let him read it, that he understands my internal conflict a bit better than he did beforehand.  So, it was cathartic AND educational.)

11 Comments Add yours

  1. That was very moving. Good communication is so easy to advocate but harder to do in practice.

  2. Thank god it’s imperfect though! A). How boring would life be without long drunken rbled explanations of why you misunderstood right? B). If people knew all the shit going on in my head…I’d be in trouble!

    But seriously, one of the ‘silver-linings’ if you will, to me at least, of a marriage, of entanglements, of shared responsibility, is that you sort of HAVE to work it out, one way or another. Simply running away isn’t the easiest solution, as it is in so many other relationships. Doesn’t mean it’s easy on it’s own though.

  3. Emmy says:

    ASM – You are so right. And I think we forgot it’s more than just talking. It’s also active listening that completes that communication piece.

    RLoTFC – Yeah, life would definitely be boring! And I do agree, that commitment does force you to work through things in a way other relationships do not necessarily do.

  4. Osbasso says:

    Not a friggin’ clue about what you’re talking about, but cathartic and educational makes it worth it!

  5. Vixen says:

    Sometimes it feels so much better and makes so much more sense to have written it down. Or to be read. I’ve written posts that PC knew about but only after he read them did he come to me and a REAL conversation sparked or a clearer understanding of what I was trying to say/how I felt.

    I love that pic at the top.

  6. 13messages says:

    Thanks for sharing something so intimate and well-written. And I’m glad that it served a good purpose.

    My best to you both.

  7. ((you))

    I agree with Vixen, sometimes writing it down/out makes all the difference – not only in how I feel about things, but how I process and deal with them, too.


  8. IveyLane says:

    Not that any blogger anywhere, at any time, owes anything to a reader (certainly not this one!), but writing down every once in a while that every day of marriage isn’t always sunshine is, to me, quite reassuring. All the grownups know that growth isn’t easy. Add a lifetime partner with ideas, needs and flaws of their own and it’s exponentially harder. But certainly worth it!

    Good for you, Emmy –

  9. Ms Scarlett says:

    I’m starting to think that a LOT of the women out here in Blog-land are very similar…. I keep reading posts like these and thinking that I could have written that post! I SO get this post. It’s very much how I deal with people in my life.

    I’m glad you were able to write about it so freely, and that the catharsis was helpful to both of you!

  10. Emmy says:

    Os – I think I cleared it up for you 🙂

    Vixen – I think the process of writing makes it clearer for self too.

    13Messages – thanks! 🙂

    Theybelongtous – i usually don’t process that way, but in this case, it helped in many ways.

    Ivey – it is one of the reasons I shared. marriage isn’t perfect. but working through something is right.

    Ms Scarlett – glad you could relate. I suspect some people would definitely be able to. 🙂

  11. Maggie says:

    My goodness, Emmy, you sure are on a roll lately with these great posts. Thank you for writing this.

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