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Tell me your naughtiest, dirtiest fantasy. The fantasy that you wouldn’t tell the one you love, but you would tell the one you fuck.
Even though those words that were typed to me over an IM session a week or more ago, they still echo in my mind. I can hear TL actually saying them to me. And, I knew he was serious because he used my name – my real name – not my nickname.
Those words are words I have given a lot of thought. When I was painting the spare bedroom all of those hours the past week, my mind kept drifting back to that question. When I rode my bike on the trainer yesterday, the thought crept into my mind. That request for insight in my sexual fantasies – more insight than I have given to the one I love.
But those words are even more perfect because of their truth. There are some things my relationship to the one I love, my husband, will never have in it. I learned long ago that there are things you don’t go to him for – and he does not come to me for. Because that love thing keeps getting in the way of true understanding or help. We have not blocked the other person out entirely – we know; we have just become spectators versus participants. And, in those cases – those cases were not even about sex.
But, there has been a time or two thus far where we have encountered something with a playmate that has triggered a different response. A response that was unexpected. A response that would never occur between the two of us.
While we have pushed our own sexual boundaries pre-swinging as far as we could, we thought naively that swinging itself would be a new boundary. And while that is true – bring new partners into our bedroom has definitely pushed boundaries – we never entertained the idea of having individual boundaries pushed a bit more too.
The first time it happened – it was with a playmate and my husband. It surprised him a bit after – as it did me too. She brought something out of him that was unexpected. What caught him more by surprise is the fact he enjoyed it – and the realization he could not ever do that same thing with me, nor would he want us to do the same thing. A decision I agreed with because it isn’t how our chemistry is together. It would never work the same way.
Now, it seems it is my turn. My turn to play in a way that is not how how I play with the one I love. That idea – the person who planted it – both have carved out a niche in my head and seem comfortable there. And, I’m comfortable having the idea and the person in my head like that. Now to figure out how I’m going to answer his request….or even if I still need to answer it.