I was trying to explain this to Garbanzo earlier, but I think a lot of it has to do with the attitude I’ve gotten from those around me. Garbanzo is going to be out of town. No one in my family has even asked anything about it now that they are off the hook. Many of my friends are in the same boat. When I think about Sunday, I see myself getting up early, going to the run, running it, coming home, and starting my mom duties.
It’s not that I’m looking for anything in particular. In fact, when I contrasted me doing this with Garbanzo doing his triathlon, we found many difference even in the home approach to it. When I asked why, for example, he didn’t give me the same kick in the ass last week that I gave him when he started slacking in his training, he said, “because I know your dedication to doing this will make you do it – you don’t need me to motivate.”
And, in that one sentence, he summarized my biggest frustration with it all – I don’t get it because no one feels I need it.
It’s funny how double edged that sword is. While everyone who knows me would be right, I will do it. I won’t back away from the challenge. And, even if I feel like my knees are going to tell me to fuck off and try to leave the rest of my body behind, I will keep going and finish. I think it’s just hard knowing that I won’t have any one cheering for me. I’m going to run, and come home.
Will I have a feeling of satisfaction? Absolutely. But, I think there is something to having support. I know, for me, there is an extra boost I get when I have that pressure, if you will. When there is cheering, you stand up straighter, run a bit faster, and keep going. It isn’t always easy being your own cheerleader especially during tough parts of a race or even a game. And, in contrast to other events or sports I’ve done, I am doing this pretty much cheerleader-less.
I’m not doing this for others. I AM doing this for me. I guess I just realized when I hit a rough, unmotivated patch in my training recently how I am the only one who really seems to notice.
Okay, enough whining, I guess. Back to some runs before the big one Sunday. If I don’t, I will likely kick my own ass when I’m so sore I can’t walk on Monday.